2120 replies to this topic

[bigbeef161]

"You know, honey," said Granny to Gramps, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replied Gramps. "You've got one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"

hahahahahaha loooool awesome hahahahaaa..

[mazooma]

A man took his wife to the livestock show and they looked at the champion breeding bulls.

The wife said, "Look here. It says that this bull mated over 150 times last year. Isn't that something!"

And the husband replies, "Yes, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

[stanmarsh14]

In remembrance of the Pillsbury Dough Boy

SAD NEWS.

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER GREAT icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough and Dill Dough, plus they had another one in the oven.

Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

[stanmarsh14]

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

An ugly Redhead with a yeast infection.

[stanmarsh14]

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[cashbox1]

what do pelicans and penguins have in common with BT and Virgin Media ?? they can all stick their bills up their arse

[duplu]

Shamelessly copied from another website:

London Olympics 2012


London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have lnot been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. Car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... Mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating

[piesthecat]

Shamelessly copied from another website:

London Olympics 2012


London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have lnot been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. Car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... Mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating

so many funny parts to such a long joke

[stanmarsh14]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife blow drying her pussy. He asks her what she's doing and she replies "warming up your f*****g dinner!"

[stanmarsh14]

If a womans pregnant and uses a vibrator, does the kid come out with a stutter?

[stanmarsh14]

Rodeo sex: mount woman from behind, take hair, pull head back, whisper in ear "Your sister was better f*** than you" and try to hold on for 8 seconds

[jamesy4]

64 pages and still going strong, I like it

[todd1970]

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other. She takes a close look & says,"There's nothing wrong with them Sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely, ,but i asked " Are-my-test-results-back?"

[mazooma]

"Incontinence Hotline............Can you hold, please?"

[dannypyeman]

a young man is hurrying through the cemetry early one sunday. A vicar approaches him and says "morning sir". the young man replys "no, i was just taking a shit behind one the gravestones"

[stanmarsh14]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse's legs, rump & chest. Johnny asked his Dad, why are you doing that? Dad said, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy & in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried said, Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom...!

[Daryl]

A man goes to the doctor and tells him:
"Doctor, every time I masturbate I always shout 'come on Man Utd!'"
The doctor replies:
"Don't worry... most #@#@#@#s do"!!

[mazooma]

If at first you don't succeed.......... Skydiving is definately not for you.

[stanmarsh14]

A young boy is walking down the street dragging a dead frog on a string.
He knocks on the door at the local whore house.
The madam answers, “Yes little boy may I help you?”
Lil boy replied, “Yes I would like to speak with the whore with the most diseases…”
Madam looks at the little boy has he hands her $500.
She tells the little boy to come inside…
“why do you want something do someone like that?” the little boy replied, “well if I f*** your nasty whore then go home and f*** the babysitter. Then my dad will f*** my baby sitter and them come home and f*** my mum. Finally she will f*** the Bastard that killed my frog.”