2120 replies to this topic

[stanmarsh14]

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

Little girl says, "No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now." says the girl.

Brief pause. "Uh, OK then, I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout that Daddys car just pulled up."

"Ok daddy." A few min later, the girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

The father replies, "what happened honey?"

"Well Mommy jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming, tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!" Cries the girl.

Dad, "Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?" the girl answers
"He jumped out the back window into the pool but I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead!"

Really long pause, then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Uh..Is this 01332 884994?" The girl says, "No I think you have the wrong number!!"

[cashbox1]

20 years ago we had Steve Jobs Johnny Cash and Bob Hope, now we`ve got no jobs,no cash and no hope

[hitthesix]

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."


"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."

[Daryl]

The phone rings, a woman answers and a pervert breathes: "have you got a tight, bald c***?"
The women replies: "yes, he's on the couch... who shall I say is calling?"!!

[dannypyeman]

Little Johnny is out with his dad when they spot a dead cat lying in the middle of the road,
"Daddy?" Asks Johnny, "Why has that cat got its legs in the air when its dead?"
The dad thinks for a few moments and then replies "Oh son, when they die they stick their legs in the air and that tells god that they're ready to go to heaven so he can send the angels down to take it away"

A Few days later the daddy get a phone call in his office and its little Johnny on the phone "Daddy, come home quickly, mummys dying", The dad screams "What son? Whats happened? Call grandma over quick now tell me whats happened?"
Johnny: "Because ive walked into the bedroom and mummy is lying on the bed with her legs in the air screaming 'God im coming, God im coming, heaven here i come' and the milkman is lying on top of her stopping her from going up and now hes shouting 'wow im almost in heaven, just a few more seconds and i will be coming too'"

[stanmarsh14]

What's the difference between acne and the Pope?

The acne comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

[stanmarsh14]

A Scot and a Jew were arguing over who could make a quid go further. They decided to give it a go and meet up later to compare.

When they got back together the next week, the Jew said, "Well I used my quid to buy five cigarettes off a tramp. I smoked a cigarette each day and used the ashes to fertilise my plants!"

"You were robbed!" said the Scottish bloke smugly. "I used my quid to buy a black pudding from the butcher. I slit open the casing, scooped out the pudding and ate a bit each day. Then I had a shit in the empty black pudding skin, took it back to the butcher, said 'This pudding smells like shit!', he agreed and gave me my quid back!"

[stanmarsh14]

A Jew walks into Asda flops his cock onto the counter and say's "Look at that for a rollback"!

[bri365]

Got one of them Jehovah's Witnessesadventcalendars.
Evertime I open a door, it it tells me to f*** off.

[bri365]

Just got back from the garden center, bought a big christmas tree. Bloke said "are you putting it up yourself"?
"no you sick twat, I'm putting it up in the liviing room" I replied.

[raverpat]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her


I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you" she said, then she got all


excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever -


which is odd coz she's never shown any interest in darts before.

[stanmarsh14]

2 hookers on a street corner. 1 says, "I think it'll be a good night 2nite... I smell cock in the air". The other says, "Yeah sorry... I just burped"

[stanmarsh14]

I had some amazing phone sex last night. I think i got away with it too. I told the nurse at nhsdirect that I was asthmatic.

[stanmarsh14]

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, cause Jill's a pre-op tranny!!

[stanmarsh14]

For some reason women think child birth is the hardest thing imaginable.

They've obviously never tried pissing straight with an erection.

[stanmarsh14]

Went to a Strip Club and this girl got mad at me for tipping with Monopoly money. She said "That's fake money", and I said,"Those are fake titties".

Edited by stanmarsh14, 09 December 2011 - 03:17 AM.

[stanmarsh14]

Be quiet or I'll light the fuse on your tampon.

Edited by stanmarsh14, 09 December 2011 - 03:18 AM.

[stanmarsh14]

Roes are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in! (now that is a love poem)

[mc_christopher]

I got a little concerned for Tescos sell by date policy when I noticed a black cabbage in my trolley while doing my shopping the other day. It wasn't until I turned around and saw Katie Price I realised I'd picked up her trolley by mistake.

[yahoo2u2]

Hear the one about the crab that got pissed and walked straight home...?
This one made me LOL




Yeah, I know - the old ones are the oldest!!