This bloke is on speed, which makes him get a real rock on and he just wants to f***, so he goes to the local brothel to get himself a good f***. Inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress
"Listen, I only have five quid, can you help me out?"
She replies
"Of course, go up the stairs and go in the first door on the right."
The bloke goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures you get what you pay for, and he f***s the chicken to within an inch of its life, there are feathers flying everywhere, and the chickens going mad clucking, and the mans loving it.
So the next day the bloke takes the last of his speed, gets another hard on and decides to go back to the whorehouse, but he's got even less cash. He says to the mistress
"I've only got two quid today. Can you sort me out?"
-"Of course" replies the mistress. "Go up the stairs and go in the second door on the right".
The bloke goes in through the second door on the right and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.
"This is fantastic. Only two quid for this!" the bloke says to one of the other men. The other man says
"Yeah, but you should have been here yesterday, there was bloke in there f*****g a chicken"
2120 replies to this topic
#1302
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 December 2011 - 08:34 PM
There was a paranoid dyslexic who always thought he was following someone.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1303
mc_christopher
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Junior Member
Posted 18 December 2011 - 11:02 PM
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
#1304
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 20 December 2011 - 09:38 PM
This guy goes to his barber, and he's all excited. He says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying Alitalia and stayng at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope." The barber says, Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, The Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about 10,00 people"
So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was beautiful. And I got to meet the Pope."
"You met the Pope??" said the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that crappy haircut?'"
So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was beautiful. And I got to meet the Pope."
"You met the Pope??" said the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that crappy haircut?'"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1305
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 20 December 2011 - 10:12 PM
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow,
there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in
my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place,
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid,
all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the
claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to
you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow,
there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in
my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place,
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid,
all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the
claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to
you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1306
Daryl
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Forget it... I do!
Posted 21 December 2011 - 12:39 AM
Credit Crunch... the married version:
An husband and wife are shopping in ASDA... on their way around the alcohol section he puts a box of Stella into the shopping trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" the wife asks.
"It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans!" replies the husband.
"Put them back... we can't afford it says the wife.", watching the pennies.
After doing some more shopping, a few aisles down, they come to the cosmetics and make-up section, and the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it into the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the husband.
"It makes me look beautiful." replies his wife.
He replies: "So does 24 cans of Stella... and it's half the f*****g price"!!
An husband and wife are shopping in ASDA... on their way around the alcohol section he puts a box of Stella into the shopping trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" the wife asks.
"It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans!" replies the husband.
"Put them back... we can't afford it says the wife.", watching the pennies.
After doing some more shopping, a few aisles down, they come to the cosmetics and make-up section, and the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it into the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the husband.
"It makes me look beautiful." replies his wife.
He replies: "So does 24 cans of Stella... and it's half the f*****g price"!!
All The Best
Daryl
My blogsite is here: click the icon --->
My name is Daryl, I was born in 1965 and have been into FME since 2002!
On 23 June 2011, I was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease In November 2012, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and Parkinsonian Syndrome too.
I can be found at:
My new blog-site...
...or at Facebook here: --> https://www.facebook.com/daryl.lees
=======================================================
Visit my website on the icon above for my WebBlog, or pop over and see me on the social media at --->
=======================================================
Daryl
My blogsite is here: click the icon --->
My name is Daryl, I was born in 1965 and have been into FME since 2002!
On 23 June 2011, I was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease In November 2012, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and Parkinsonian Syndrome too.
I can be found at:
My new blog-site...
...or at Facebook here: --> https://www.facebook.com/daryl.lees
=======================================================
Visit my website on the icon above for my WebBlog, or pop over and see me on the social media at --->
=======================================================
#1307
jim2311
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- New Members
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Genius
#1308
RB
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- Layout Creator
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PISH Artist
Posted 24 December 2011 - 11:37 PM
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a #@#@#@#..."
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a #@#@#@#..."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1310
bri365
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- 724 posts
Master Joker
Posted 25 December 2011 - 05:23 AM
Please no spam, it is Christmas. Turkey only.REMOVED
Come here to post jokes, oh and to play the occasional frutie.
#1311
stanmarsh14
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- Gold Supporters
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- 3120 posts
Sado-masochist
Posted 27 December 2011 - 12:51 AM
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles.
They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."
The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work..."
They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."
The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work..."
#1312
raverpat
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- 233 posts
Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 07 January 2012 - 06:27 PM
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a bloody clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,
I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew'
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a bloody clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,
I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew'
Let's smash Partytime.
#1313
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 January 2012 - 10:05 PM
Two fonts walk into a bar, but when they tried to order, the barman says, " I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1314
RB
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- Layout Creator
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- 3342 posts
PISH Artist
Posted 08 January 2012 - 12:04 AM
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog........
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog........
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1315
bri365
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- Regulars
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- 724 posts
Master Joker
Posted 08 January 2012 - 02:36 AM
Got home from work last night to find all my doors smashed in and they had taken the lot....................................................................................Bastards, I was saving that advent calender for this year.
Newsflash......Woman with no arms or legs, wins strawberry picking competition..........................................Jammy c***..
Newsflash......Woman with no arms or legs, wins strawberry picking competition..........................................Jammy c***..
Come here to post jokes, oh and to play the occasional frutie.
#1316
stanmarsh14
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- Gold Supporters
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- 3120 posts
Sado-masochist
Posted 08 January 2012 - 03:27 PM
Newsflash......Woman with no arms or legs, wins strawberry picking competition..........................................Jammy c***..
LOL, you pinched that one from the #mpu34 IRC room?
Years old joke that on the rooms bot, c/o Trouty / Geddy
[3:52pm] <pervert> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy c*** !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}
#1317
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 21 January 2012 - 02:37 PM
A golf nut met the Pope while travelling in Rome. "Your Holiness," the golf nut said, "I love golf. I play every day. Please tell me, is there a golf course in heaven?"
"I don't know," replies the Pope. "I'll have to check with God."
A few days later, the man received a call from the Pope, who said, "I have heard from God. The good news is there's a beautiful endless golf course in heaven. The bad news is you have a tee off time for tomorrow morning."
"I don't know," replies the Pope. "I'll have to check with God."
A few days later, the man received a call from the Pope, who said, "I have heard from God. The good news is there's a beautiful endless golf course in heaven. The bad news is you have a tee off time for tomorrow morning."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1318
jay2
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- Regulars
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- 706 posts
Boing Boing
Posted 21 January 2012 - 07:44 PM
Bloke goes into a model shop and asks if they have a model of the Costa Concordia.
"Your very lucky" says the owner "we have one left.
"Great "says the bloke "can you put it to one side"
"Your very lucky" says the owner "we have one left.
"Great "says the bloke "can you put it to one side"
Edited by jay2, 21 January 2012 - 07:44 PM.
What shall i put here?
#1319
mc_christopher
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Junior Member
Posted 22 January 2012 - 12:16 PM
Was watching the news the other day, they were talking about the Costa Concordia. The news reader said 'yes, she's got a gash the size of a tennis court'. I made ONE mistimed glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off.
#1320
RB
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- Layout Creator
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PISH Artist
Posted 10 February 2012 - 09:00 PM
Took a girl home from the pub last night & ended up passing out and falling asleep on the settee...
I don't remember f***all....
I Must have drank her f*****g drink by mistake!
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. . . .
She'll go f*****g mental wen she gets home from work!
A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?" He says "Found the remote - Go back to sleep...
Paddy says to Mick "Found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies "Dont know, give it here." He then tries it & says "Yes it is." Paddy asks "How do you know?" Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
I don't remember f***all....
I Must have drank her f*****g drink by mistake!
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. . . .
She'll go f*****g mental wen she gets home from work!
A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?" He says "Found the remote - Go back to sleep...
Paddy says to Mick "Found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies "Dont know, give it here." He then tries it & says "Yes it is." Paddy asks "How do you know?" Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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