2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

[ady]

Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..

He knew.

[dannypyeman]

i bought a michael jackson cd, the next day he died
i then bought an amy winehouse cd and the next day she died.
yesterday i bought a whitney houston cd and now shes died aswell.



hmmmmmm, tommorow im going to be a nasty bitch and buy a justin bieber cd

[bri365]

Had to defrost the fridge last night before bed,
Or foreplay as she calls it.

[ady]

My Girlfriend just phoned me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

[stanmarsh14]

So apparently a new bronze statue of Kim Jong-il on horseback has been unveiled in Pyongyang.

It's about time the pigeons over there got a good place to take a shit.

[bri365]

Bought the wife a single long stem rose for valentines day. She said "suppose I'll have to open my legs for that then"?
"why have you broken the vase" I replied.

[stanmarsh14]

If a lesbian cockblocks another lesbian is it then called a beaver dam?

No idea, but if they're both in the closet it's a liquor cabinet.

[mazooma]

A man went to his in-laws' house for a nice meal.

When his mother-in-law served up the meal, she asked, "How many potatoes would you like?"

"Just one," he answered.

"Don't worry," she said. "There's no need to be polite."

"Okay," he said. "I'll just have one you fat old cow."

[mazooma]

What happened to the illiterate fisherman?

He was lost at C.

Edited by mazooma, 25 April 2012 - 07:59 PM.

[draytalon]

3 Blondes walk into a building....

You would think one of them would of seen it.

7 year old Jimmy comes home from school with a surprise for his mother, "look mum, see what i got"
Jimmy's mum was horrified, she took the thing from him and told him to get straight to bed, "your father will deal with you later" she said.
Little Jimmy trudges of to bed unaware what is wrong.
Jimmy's father arrives and after talking with his wife he calls Jimmy down to the living room.
"Ok, boy, where did you get this"
Jimmy, "at school, dad"
father, "how, where, or who gave it to you"
"Mr Jackson" replies Jimmy.
"Do you know what it is"
"yes dad"
"what"
"A walnut whip" came the answer
Looking aghast, both parents looked at each other, then the father went on to start his explanation, "this is a"
But he was interrupted by Jimmy.
"Dad, i wasn't bad, i licked all the cream out first before i gave it to mum"
The mother fainted.

[RB]

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

[mazooma]

A woman called her husband at work. "Sorry, dear," he said. "I'm very busy, so I don't have time to talk."

"Oh, this won't take long," she said. "I just have some good news and some bad news."

"Look," he repeated, "I'm busy. Just give me the good news."

"Well," she said, "The airbag works."

[mazooma]

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

[jim2311]

Mein Hund hat keine Nase. Wie riecht es? Schrecklich! Ha!Ha!Ha! Hilarious
and now in Spanish
Mi perro no tiene nariz. ¿A qué huele? Espantoso! Even funnier
and now in Bulgarian
Моето куче не е носа. Как миришат? Ужасно! Oh no that's even funnier.

чтолекарствоты?

какви лекарства, които приемате?

¿Qué medicamentosestá usted?

Τι φάρμακαείσαι;

Welke medicatiesta jij?

quel médicamentêtes-vous?

[boromag]

A dog walks into Western Union and asks to send a telegram. "Certainly Sir, what would you like to say on it?" asks the assistant. "Ruff ruff, ruf ruff ruff, ruf, ruf ruf, ruf ruf ruf, ruff, ruff ruf" replies the dog. "Well sir, for another 20p you can add another ruff on the end" the assistant tells him. "Don't be daft" says the dog, "that just wouldn't make sense!"

[piesthecat]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"

[vectra666]

Whats got 24 legs and smells of piss??
A conga in an old people's home..