2120 replies to this topic

[mc_christopher]

Why did Annie fall off the swings?

Because she didn't have any arms.




Knock knock?

Who's there?

Not Annie..

[Daryl]

I was speaking to a gay mate the other day and I asked him if he took any bullshit from his mates…

… He replied: "With friends like mine - who needs enemas"!!

[mazooma]

Three old women were discussing the downsides of aging. One said,"sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonnaise, and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
The second one said, "I trip on the stairs and can't remember If I was going up or down."
"Oh we'll, I don't have those sorts of problems yet. Knock on wood," said the third, tapping her knuckles on the table. Then she said, "That must be the door - i'll get it!"

[Daryl]

Three old women were discussing the downsides of aging. One said,"sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonnaise, and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
The second one said, "I trip on the stairs and can't remember If I was going up or down."
"Oh we'll, I don't have those sorts of problems yet. Knock on wood," said the third, tapping her knuckles on the table. Then she said, "That must be the door - i'll get it!"

A normal day in my household mate for me - for all three events!! lol

[bri365]

Wife had a near death experiance the other day. She thought she could hoover whilst the football was on.

[bri365]

I was shocked to learn that a comedian- Jimmy Carr had been fiddling his taxes. I had no idea he was a comedian.

[bri365]

Just got pulled over on the motorway by the police. Copper came up to my window and "papers". I replied "scissors, I win" and sped off. He must want a rematch has he's been chasing me for miles.

[raverpat]

Someone asked me the other day "Whats the quickest way to the train station?". I replied' "Are you walking or driving?". He said "Driving", I said "Yeah that's the quickest way".

[bri365]

Wife asked me to help her in her quest to stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.

[mc_christopher]

Someone asked me the other day "Whats the quickest way to the train station?". I replied' "Are you walking or driving?". He said "Driving", I said "Yeah that's the quickest way".

Funny, a similar thing happened to me the other day. A man pulled up next to me on the road and said 'Whats the quickest way to the hospital?'

I said 'Call me a c***.'

[cashbox1]

how about the Frenchman who was down at the beach watching the lifeguard attract all the women, so he saunters over and asks "why are the women so fond of you, what is your secret?"

So the lifeguard says, "it's easy, go down to the store, get a potato, stick it in your swimsuit, the chicks will be all over you then."

The Frenchman hurries to get his potatoe, sticks it in his trunks, stands around with nothing happening, so he goes back to the lifeguard and says "I did what you said, but no action."

So the life guard checks him out and then says "no man, put it in front."

[Daryl]

Whilst I was cooking dinner tonight I got some herbs in my eyes...

… I am now parsley-sighted!!

[mc_christopher]

I thought Robin Gibb was haunting my herb garden.. But I realised it's just chive talkin'

[raverpat]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

[raverpat]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[raverpat]

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.

[RB]

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." An assistant came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[RB]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[mc_christopher]

I was in the pub the other night and this big fat munter starts trying to chat me up.
'What's your name?' she asked
I replied 'My friends call me 'The Sledge'
She giggled, 'Oh yeah, why's that? Because you're a smooth ride?'
'No, because I'm always being pulled by dogs.'

Edited by mc_christopher, 13 August 2012 - 05:26 AM.

[Daryl]

Top ten jokes for 2012 from Digital TV top comedians... I like No 1

http://www.bbc.co.uk...otland-19316443