2120 replies to this topic

[jamesy4]

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips." 

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

[Daryl]

Poor old Angus couldn't learn how to find his 'g' spot...

...he spelt a proper arsehole!

[nails]

a man in Australia burst into a bar waving a gun and shouted `im gunna shoot the bastard who shagged my wife`

 

a voice from the back said `you haven't got enough bullets`

[stanmarsh14]

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that
would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up Bitch."

[Daryl]

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that
would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up Bitch."

Classic Mark mate, and actually reminded me of a true story

When the late Princess of Wales went to visit victims of the then dreaded 80s plague HIV virus at an hospital. The ward was obviously occupied by quite a few gay people, the most of which were suffering from AIDS.

Princess Diana, ever the opportunist in front of the cameras, but to great effect in all her credit went to shake the hand of a gay man who had AIDS, and he said to her: "Well, shouldn't you be courtsying to me"! The late Princess looked completely baffled at him and she asked why. His reply was instant and hilarious:

"Well my dear, you're only a Princess... but I am a Queen"!!

Princess Diana bursts into one of her famous hysterical fits of giggles - a magical moment

[bri365]

After digging up the time capsule my young children made a few years ago and seeing them burst into tears on opening it up, I made a mental note.

Don't bury the dead cat and the time capsule in the same colour box.

[bri365]

Walked into the kitchen earlier to find the wife cooking dinner.

"That smells lovely" I said.

"It's a new recipe I'm trying" she replied and turned to face me, as she did I noticed she had a massive black eye.

"Where the fook did you get that?" I asked.

"Oh it's one of NIgella's"

[stanmarsh14]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered."Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[stanmarsh14]

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

 

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.

 

On doing this she lets out a sigh.

 

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

 

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex.

 

The doctor goes outside so they can have some privacy.

 

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

[stanmarsh14]

My ex was that big she needed skate boards for her tits to stop gravel rash on her nipples

[Daryl]

A jelly baby goes back home, with licquorice stuck all around his willy. His mother screams at him in total horror:
 

"What the hell have you been doing?"...
 

..."f*****g all sorts!!" he replies!!

[bri365]

A jelly baby goes back home, with licquorice stuck all around his willy. His mother screams at him in total horror:
 

"What the hell have you been doing?"...
 

..."f*****g all sorts!!" he replies!!

Love it Daryl...... Reminds me of this one.

 

A Smartie and a Jelly Baby are out walking when the Smartie suggests they pop into the pub for a quick drink.

"I can't go in there" says the Jelly Baby "What if someone starts on me, I'm too soft" he adds.

"That's alright" says the Smartie "look at me, I'm a hard case, I'll look after you if it gets a bit rough" he continues.

So Jelly Baby agrees and they go in the pub. After about an hour an Extra Strong Mint strolls in and the whole pub falls silent. He orders a pint and then looks around. He notices the Jelly Baby and approaches him, "what you looking at he asks" and then thumps the Jelly Baby in the face. The Smartie meanwhile slips under the table and hides. The Extra Strong Mint continues to smash merry hell out of the Jelly Baby for about three minutes and then walks back to the bar. The Jelly Baby is a quivering mess and is lying on the floor when he looks under the table at the Smartie, "I thought you were going to save me, why didn't you jump in and fight him" he asks.

"Feck off" said the Smartie, "that guy's fecking menthol"??????????

[stanmarsh14]

Professor Snape's Twitter page: Dear William & Kate: If William is 100% royal and Princess Kate is 0% royal, will that make your son a half-blood prince?

 

11 years until the Half-Blood Prince receives his Hogwarts Letter...

 

http://content.scree...e3/00000012.png

Edited by stanmarsh14, 22 July 2013 - 10:06 PM.

[RB]

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

 

[RB]

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[bri365]

I was in church last Sunday when suddenly the sky outside darkened and their was an almighty flash of lightning and huge clap of thunder. Suddenly the devil himself appeared and let out a hideous laugh and spat fire above the heads of the congregation. People were running everywhere screaming trying to get out, I myself just sat there looking at the devil. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. He moved forward and put his face right against mine and asked "are you not afraid of me?". "No" I replied. "And why not, you should be very afraid of me" he added. "Nah" I said "I'm not afraid of you, I married your sister twenty years ago". 

[bri365]

I made sure I did not look at the meteor shower last night, there is no way that I am going to wake up blind and surrounded by Triffids.

[stanmarsh14]

After having sex with my 77-year-old f*** buddy, I like to make her sleep in the dry patch.