2120 replies to this topic

[stanmarsh14]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her bacon and grits, along came a spider and sat down beside her, and said "f*** bitch, show me your tits!".

[Daryl]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her bacon and grits, along came a spider and sat down beside her, and said "f*** bitch, show me your tits!".

 

I must start frying some of those mushrooms…  lol

[Daryl]

Oh my giddy aunt...

 

...even the Son of God has got my condition now!

 

 

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Christians... start praying the Aricept works!

[Daryl]

Although this isn't actually a joke (it is taken from a real Australian radio show)... it is hilarious!

 

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . 

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. 
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. 

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. 

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. 

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet . 

Anyway, here's how it all went down: 

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.' 

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.' 

Contestant: 'Brian.' 

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?' 

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.' 

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.' 

Brian: 'Sara.' 

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?' 

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.' 

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?' 

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.' 

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?' 

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.' 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' 

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...' 

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?' 

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.' 

DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.' 

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.' 

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..? 

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...' 

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?' 

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...' 

DJ: 'Uh huh...' 

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.' 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' 

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'  (his answer)...

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. 

You listen to this.' 

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ] 

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' 

(Touch tones.....ringing....) 

Clerk: 'Kinkos.' 

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?' 

Clerk: 'This is she.' 

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.' 

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?' 

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to 
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?' 

Sarah: 'No.' 

DJ: 'Good!' 

Brian: (laughing) 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?' 

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..' 

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' 

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?' 

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.' 

DJ: 'What time?' 

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.' 

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?' 

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.' 

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?' 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' 

DJ: 'Where did you have it?' 

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?' 

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.' 

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?' 

Sarah: 'Well...' 

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..? 

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'  (her answer!)

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. 

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[straekseims]

LMAO!!!!

[bri365]

I said to my friend, "I really don't know what to do. My wife asked me to read a book that she loves and I hate it. If I tell her I hate it we'll argue and, if I lie, she's bound to find out."

"What's the book?" he asked.

I replied, "Catch 22."

[bri365]

I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.
He'll never live this down.

 

 

The ex-girlfriend I ditched at the altar six months ago marched up to me in the supermarket last night.
"B*****d." She yelled in my face, before grabbing the milk from my trolley and pouring it over my head. "This is from me, you c**t."
"Oh come on, you're being ridiculous now." I said, wiping my face.
"That could be from ANY cow."

 

I was told Ariel Stain Remover works great with wine,
but all it did was make it taste like soap.

[stanmarsh14]

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

[bri365]

Just told my mate that I got the sack from Asda for putting my dick in the bacon slicer.

"what did they do with the bacon slicer afterwards" he asked.

"Sacked her as well" I replied.

 

Little boy goes up to the security guard in Asda and said "I can't find my mum"

"what' she like" he asked.

"big dicks and vodka shots" the little lad replied.

[bri365]

Telephone order for Chinese takeaway.......................£24.00

Delivery charge...........................................................£01.50

Cost of telephone call.................................................£00.30

Realising that they have missed out a dish

from your order...........................................................Ricless

[stanmarsh14]

What's the difference between a Hockey Player and a Hippy Chick?

Hockey Player takes a shower after 3 periods

Got a few more here at this link, told by kids

http://www.vice.com/...irty-jokes/gigi

[bri365]

Police have just moved on a large group of dyslexic Africans who were holding an all night vigil outside Nissan Main Dealer.

[mc_christopher]

Fair play to Nelson Mandela. It's not often terrorists die of old age.

[bri365]

My dyslexic mate just rang me up crying his heart out.

He's a big Disney fan and thinks that Tigger is dead.

[RB]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

[Daryl]

Did you hear about the Irishman that broke the world record for kissing women's vaginas...

 

...in an interview afterwards he said he did it "just for the crack"!!

[stanmarsh14]

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand pounds" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

[stanmarsh14]

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye.

 

She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face.""Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

 

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye.

 

The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[bri365]

A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto-correct. I meant "WiFi", not "wife".