2120 replies to this topic

[stanmarsh14]

Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.

[bri365]

I was taking the emirates stadium tour when we were shown Arsene Wenger's office.
"Why is there a bricked up hole over there I asked? "
"Oh, " said the guide, "that's the transfer window."

[bri365]

Asda are now stocking the new Oasis soup???

It's great value as you get a roll with it!

[stanmarsh14]

Watch the signing guy signing that Simon wants to suck carlys tits

http://s233.photobuc...s tits.mp4.html

[stanmarsh14]

At about 3 am, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
 

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
 

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[bri365]

I thought I saw a loaf of bread in the supermarket today named after Piers Morgan, but when I looked again it said thick cut??????

[Timmeh2k15]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

 

Red Paint.

[bri365]

Went back to my mates house after a night on the beer and he had a large brass gong in his hallway,

"What's that" I asked.

"my new talking clock" he replied, "here I'll show you how it works" he said striking it it it hard.

A few seconds later there was banging on the wall and his neighbour shouted, 

"shut up you ****, it 2.30 am"

[draytalon]

Cannot remember if I posted a joke on here, so here goes..........

 

Three blondes walked into a building, you would think that one of them would off seen it.

 

One night in bed, the wife rolls over to her man, she slowly starts to rub his chest, her hand slowly dropping to his neither regions.

"Oh James please talk dirty to me", the wife says whispering in his ear.

James lying on his back replies.

"Ok Judy, Mike Rowe cleaned out pig sh*t today"

James is wondering why he is sleeping on the couch.

[scott2500uk]

I don't understand Dragons Den.

Surely if you're looking for a large amount of money for investment, you would simply steal it from the tables sitting in front of you?

[strider]

When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disneyland.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

[hugecorey]

Unfortunately my pet rat elvis died last week,he got caught in a trap

[strider]

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds pretty good fun if you don't know what either of those things are.

[stanmarsh14]

(To a heckler).......

Hey, if you want my come-back, scrape it of your mothers teeth

[strider]

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

[aw56001]

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[stardust]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

 

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket 

 

again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

 

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, 

 

"Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked. 

He said, "The drugs." 

I said, "What drugs?"

 

[bri365]

What do you get if you cross the M25 with a wheelbarrow?

Killed.

[ady]

Mabey new actually, but made me laugh

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[stanmarsh14]

What's got no teeth and smells bad......................The gearbox on the wife's car!