2120 replies to this topic

[mick4774]

I know this will sound silly but....

wooogawooogaowwooo

[wilodonny]

hahahahahahaahhaa some classics in here

[stardust]

The new Apple Watch has been released...

...I wonder what 'core' processor it has!   

 

 

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[stanmarsh14]

Clarkson is pissed off at losing his job, drives a tad too fast and hits a tree, Bang he is dead, ends up in hell and to meet him is Jimmy Savile!

Savile says "Hey up me old BBC buddy what got you here?"

Clarkson says "f*** right off Saviile your no buddy of mine, but to cut a long story short I hit a prick"

Savile looks down and says "Yes it was my prick that got me here in the first place"

[stardust]

The teacher goes around the class asking each pupil they had revised their homework with the word 'contagious' in the sentence...

 

...she goes around all the class asking each pupil for their sentence and then she gets to little Franky.

 

"So Franky, have you done your homework and been able to make a sentence with the word contagious in it?" the teacher asks.

 

Quick as a flash, little Franky replies: "My next door neighbour started painting his back garden fence yesterday and my dad says "it'll take the 'contagious'"!!   

[bri365]

I ate cat food by mistake. Don't ask me how???

[stanmarsh14]

Question..... If Men wear Jock Straps, do Women wear Fan Belts?

[ricardo de ponsa]

I use to have a fear of climbing Chestnut trees.

 

I'm OK now, I think I conquered it!!!!!

[barcrest junky]

I ate cat food by mistake. Don't ask me how???

 

Its when you break your neck trying to bend over and lick your ass clean like a cat you need to worry

[ricardo de ponsa]

 

Its when you break your neck trying to bend over and lick your ass clean like a cat you need to worry

My brother came round the other day, the cat was in the living room licking its nuts. I said "I bet you wish you could do that?" 

He said "Yes".

Well, if you talk to him nicely, he might let you!!!!!!

[stanmarsh14]

Why did Barbie never fall pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

[stardust]

 

Its when you break your neck trying to bend over and lick your ass clean like a cat you need to worry

 

if I could do that then I would never go out again!!   

[stardust]

Parking Officer's Funeral

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking officer's funeral, a voice coming from inside the coffin screams:

 

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead - for God's sake let me out!"

 

The vicar, very old and reverend in his demeanour as well as his name, smiles, leans forward over the coffin that has just been lowered into the earth and sucking air through his teeth he mutters:

 

"To f*****g late my son... I've already done the paperwork!!"

[ricardo de ponsa]

I Pad

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[stanmarsh14]

Seeing as it's 1st June.....

 

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[stanmarsh14]

I ate cat food by mistake. Don't ask me how???

 

Be worried when you start licking your own arse

[bri365]

Just bought Fifa 16. It is so realistic, it came in a plain brown envelope.

 

Following the Fifa crisis, some teams have said they will boycott major tournaments, this trend was started when Aston Villa failed to play in the FA Cup final last Saturday.

 

Got a bollock'in from the missus last night, if she had opened a little further the other one would have fitted as well.

[stardust]

 

Be worried when you start licking your own arse

 

If I could do that I would never be bored again!

[stardust]

I asked a sexy Chinese gal for her phone number the other night...

 

She replied: "Sex, Sex, Sex, Free Sex Tonight"

 

Realising all my dreams had come true at once, her friend immediately dashed my hopes when she butted in and said:

 

"She means 6663629"!!

 

Pfft!

[bri365]

A big Scotsman wearing a kilt is on the train to London and sitting opposite him is a little old lady who can't take her eyes of his kilt.

" Is there a problem there love" he asked "only you haven't taken your eyes off my kilted neither regions"

" oh sorry" she replied, "It's just that I cannot stop wondering if the rumours are true about what Scotsmen wear under their kilts" she added.

He shuffled forward in his seat and said "why don't you have a little peek".

She hesitated at first but then she slowly lifted the kilt. "It's gruesome" she said.

"aye" he replied "and if you crab it with both hands it'll gruesome more".