2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

Nice to see the old thread is still going, keeping peoples hands busy.

 

Personally I don't like my hands. Thats why I keep them at arms length.

[1969kappa]

Well some good one's here Lads  and girls(got to be P C in case any women posted any) thank you for making an old(ish) man laugh on his birthday

[stardust]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers... she raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other... she looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are – my – test – results – back"!!..

 

​

[nails]

decided to sell my vaccum cleaner

well, it was just collecting dust.

[nails]

cant remember if i posted this but -

sad news, my pet hamster elvis died. he was caught in a trap

[bri365]

Swapped the wifes pile cream for lemon juice.................talk about sour grapes!

[bri365]

I went for a job interview today.
I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?"
I said, "I'll blame someone else."
Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

[stardust]

Archaeologists have found a new tomb with a mummy wrapped up  in it with chocolates and hazelnuts placed on top of the body...

 

They believe it to be "Pharaoh Rocher"...

[bri365]

(voted best joke at this years Edinburgh festival)

 

I have deleted all my German contacts on my mobile phone!

It's now Hans free.

Edited by bri365, 27 August 2015 - 08:01 AM.

[stanmarsh14]

I wipe my arse with Colgate..... now I have a ring of confidence

[bri365]

Walking through the local park today, I came across an abandoned suitcase. Upon opening it I found a cat and six kittens so I phoned the local cat shelter and the lady asked if they were moving. Probally I said they have a suitcase.

[stardust]

An old lady goes to the dentist, drops her panties and raises her legs in the dentist's chair...

 

"I'm not a gynaecologist!" the dentist responds...

 

"I know"she replies - "but I would like you get my husband's teeth back for him please!"

[bri365]

Finsbury Park Mosque are having a bonfire tonight. Don't tell them though, it's a surprise!!

 

[stardust]

Old one... but still giggly!

 

Daffy Duck was in a hotel room having a good 'duck' with a duck!

 

He rings reception from his room and asks for a condom to be brought up...

 

"Shall I put it on your bill?" asks the receptionsist

 

"Don't be f*****g thupid - I'll thuffocate!" Daffy replies!

[NickYerPesos]

Is this the longest thread on here now or what?

[stardust]

Santa Claus goes to see his GP and says:

"Doctor, I think I have a mince pie stuck up my bum!"

The doctor tells Santa to bend over and takes a look...

"Yes, you certainly do have a mince pie stuck up there..."
" but don't worry - I have some cream for that!!"

The old ones are the best! 

[bri365]

In reply to Stardust's (Daryl) Joke:-

 

What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?

You get tinselittis.

boom boom

Edited by bri365, 07 December 2015 - 08:55 PM.

[stanmarsh14]

I once met a woman who got a tube of super glue confused with KY Jelly..... tried to ask her how it happened, but her lips was sealed

[stardust]

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel...

 

When she booked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

 

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

 

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

 

"We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

 

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.

 

"But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" 

"That's right" she replied..."I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!! 

[bri365]

ring ring "Hello Australian 911, how can I help you"

"I'm on holiday with my girlfriend and she has been stung on the mnge by a wasp and her fanny has sealed shut"

"bummer dude"

"oh thanks, Bye".