2120 replies to this topic

[Dr DX]

i love moaning women, cause it givres me an excuse to put my bins on and listen to some tunes??

dunno bout u i use speakers or earphones not bins :s lmao

[fruitsalad989]

i use my bins to look through lol pmsl.

[fruitsalad989]

have ya all gone to bed lol

[lilchatterbox3]

i dunno about u lot but i use a bin to put me rubbish in

[lilchatterbox3]

2 snowmen standing in a garden 1 snowman says to the other snowman (sniff sniff) i can smell carrots sorry 1 of my kids jokes you have to laugh cos its so daft lol

[fruitsalad989]

limeOMG LILCHATTERBOX UR MADDDDDDDDDDDD.

[romx]

my granddad told me this years ago but i havent heard it since so here goes

a man is having problems with his wife and decides to get rid of her
a freind tells him to go to the local pub and ask for arty
guy walks into the local and asks the bartender if he knows arty the bartender says thats him over there with the tattoo of a snake on his arm.
so he walks over and sits down,i believe you can do a job for me. sure says arty whats the job
guy replies ive been having problems with the wife and i want rid of her
calmly arty says ok its gonna cost you a pound
A POUND are you sure
yeah says arty
i need a picture of her and tell me where she works
guy gives him a picture and says she stacks shelves at tesco
arty goes to tesco at 8am next day and sees her stacking a shelf he goes over and strangles her. while this is happening the manager sees it and comes over "whats going on here" so arty strangles him too
headlines in paper next day
"ARTY CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT TESCO"

it might be lame but i dont think many if any of you guys will have heard this one

[TheMission]

Well I would like to present these two masterpieces. The first is, I admit, probably about the worst sodding effort I was ever sent ...

---

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran. After arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW Z4. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper, the chicken drove forward slowly. With the aid of the powerful car, he rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too began sinking and cried out to the horse to save his life The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

---

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:-


Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and doing right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

[Dr DX]

[quote name='lilchatterbox3]2 snowmen standing in a garden 1 snowman says to the other snowman (sniff sniff) i can smell carrots sorry 1 of my kids jokes you have to laugh cos its so daft lol[/quote]

no no no its so daft because a woman told it

[RB]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[stevedude2]

Ouch Dude, My grandad died of Bowl Cancer, not a pleasant thing to have... Excuse me if I do not laugh at your joke Steve.....

I'd like to apologise to mrgspot, Gary and anyone else who was offended by any of the jokes I have posted recently. I did think twice about posting them at the time, and obviously should have thought a bit harder, or even put a notice at the beginning that they were likely to cause offence.

I have been at work all week and have only got back and read this thread, otherwise I would have apologised sooner.

Sorry to all concerned once again, enjoy your day.

[mrgspot]

I'd like to apologise to mrgspot, Gary and anyone else who was offended by any of the jokes I have posted recently. I did think twice about posting them at the time, and obviously should have thought a bit harder, or even put a notice at the beginning that they were likely to cause offence.

I have been at work all week and have only got back and read this thread, otherwise I would have apologised sooner.

Sorry to all concerned once again, enjoy your day.

Mate, it was good of you to post this. cheers

[RB]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

[Gazeyre1966]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Jock, are sitting in the Palm Court
bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Jock and says, "You know, I'm tired of
goin' through life withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Aberdeen College and sign up for some classes."

Jock thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Whit's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."

"That's true, I div hae a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I div hae a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Aye, I dae hae a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out a'
that because I have a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves
to meet Jock at the pub.

He tells Jock about his classes, how he is signed up for maths, English,
history and logic.

"Logic?" Jock says, "Whit’s that?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."




"Then you're a P00F."

[RB]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[RB]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Dr DX]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them

lmfaorofl n1 m8

[rarnold]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and then rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him" "You mean to Tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[rarnold]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home With Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

[rarnold]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.