2120 replies to this topic

[stanmarsh14]

I went to prison two years ago. Shortly after being introduced to my cell mate he asked me:

''Do you want to be the mummy or the daddy?''

Feeling clever and assuming I wouldn't be the one to be taking it up the batty, I replied:

''Ummmm, daddy please Tyrone''

Tyrone looked at me then arched a smile.

''Come here and suck mummy's cock then!''

[corel]

Just saw an advert in the police station window saying "Rapist wanted" so I went in and asked for an application form

[Geddy]

John Lennon bless him would have loved on line banking nowadays....... 'Imagine all the Paypal...'

[bri365]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense??????????????

 

 

 

I'll tell you tomorrow.

[bri365]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “A new fridge freezer dear".

I'm not saying the wife is fat or anything but I took a photo of her last Christmas and it's still printing????

[chasnbons]

I went to a disco the other night.

 

They played The Twist.......... So I twisted

 

They played Jump.................So I jumped

 

They played Come On Eileen........... So I did, and got kicked out!

[stardust]

Susie Lee-Done fell in love,

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all,

She told her pappy so...

 

Pappy told her, 'Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,

But Joe is half yo' brother'!

 

So Susie put her Joe aside,

And planned to marry Will.

But after telling her pappy this,

He said 'there's trouble still!'

 

'You can't marry Will my gal,

And please don't tell ya' mother.

But Will and Joe... And several Mo'

I know is yo' half brother!'

 

But Mama knew and said 'My child,

Just do what makes you happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe,

Yo' ain't no kin to Pappy!'...

[bri365]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[bri365]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

[stanmarsh14]

What does it take to circumcise a Whale?
 

Four Skin Divers.

[stanmarsh14]

Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy c***

[cashbox1]

what did Bin Laden say that general custer also said ?? where did all these f******g tomahawks come from ??

[bri365]

Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy c***

nice to see this one posted again. Seems to come around every two years?? do a search if you don't believe me. I posted it in 2012 and Geddy posted it 2014.

[bri365]

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

[stardust]

an old lady offered the bus driver some peanuts, which he gladly accepted.

 

Every few minutes she kept popping some more peanuts to the bus driver.

 

Eventually, the bus driver asked: "Why do you keep buying peanuts if you aren't going to eat them? Why don't you eat themyourself?"

 

"Oh I couldn't possibly" replied the old lady, "I have no teeth to chew them, see" and bares her bare gums at him.

 

"So why do you keep buying them?" asked the bus driver.

 

She replied: "Because I like sucking all the chocolate off them first!" 

[bri365]

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

[bri365]

PokemonGo is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

[cashbox1]

so there i am minding my own business,walking through the departure lounge at BHX (birmingham airport) with my back pack on,when i saw what i thought was one of my female siblings...so i shouted out to her "hi sis" all of a sudden i had 20 armed coppers surrounding me

[stanmarsh14]

There was a young man from Australia

Who painted his arse like a dahlia.

A penny a smell

Was all very well

But tuppence a lick was a failure.

[bri365]

There once was a lady from Odd,

who wanted a baby from God,

It wasn't the Almighty who crawled up her nightie

It was the vicar

the dirty old sod.