2120 replies to this topic

[unclechicken]

A man in a pub saw a dog licking its own c**k and balls.

 

"God, I wish I could do that", said the man.

 

"Give him a biscuit and he might let you", said the barman.

[stardust]

Worth a chuckle...  

 

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[Bandits]

Ever wondered why they name Hurricanes after women like katrina and wilma?

It's because just like women when they come they are wet and wild

and when they leave they take your house and your car !

[stardust]

Tampax has announced that they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing them with tinsel...

 

This will be for the Christmas period only!

[bri365]

Man walks into a pub with a crocodile,

"you can't bring that thing in here" said the landlord.

"but he is trained and he does tricks" replied the man

"what sort of tricks" inquired the landlord

"watch this" said the man and lifted the crocodile onto a couple of stalls. He then took is cock out and place it in the croc's mouth. The crocodile slowly closed his mouth and the man took a wooden mallet out of his bag and whacked the croc on the head hard. the croc opened his mouth and the man took his cock out to reveal no damage to it.

"that's amazing" said the landlord, and other people in the pub starting clapping.

"anyone else want to have a go" asked the man

"I'll try" said a little old lady in the corner, "but don't hit me so hard with that f*****g mallet"

[stanmarsh14]

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask what period it came from!

[bri365]

A farmer buys a young rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer walks out to where the young rooster is laying, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and points towards the sky, "Feck off, I’m trying to get laid."

[bri365]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

"Thanks" he said

"Don't mention it" I replied

 

 

you may not get this joke first time?

[stanmarsh14]

I was licking out my secretary today when I suddenly stopped and said, "Susan, I can't do this to my wife!"

"Because you love her?" she asked.

I said, "No, because her fanny stinks:"

[stardust]

A gay man goes to the doctor with lumps up his arse after an all-night orgy party...

After the doctor has examined him, the gay man asks; "are they deep piles?"

 

The doctor replied; "No, shag piles!"

[stardust]

Two old men decide that they are close to their last days on Earth and decide to have a last night out on the town.

 

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

 

The 'madam' takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager: "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed... These two are so old and drunk they won't notice the difference - I'm not wasting my girls on them!"

 

The manager does as he is told and he then takes the two old men to their respective bedrooms and they both take care of their business.

 

As they are walking home, the first man says: "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

 

"Dead?" says the other old geezer: "Why do you say that?"

 

"Well she never moved or made a sound all the time we were making love".

 

His friend replied: "Well, it could be worse... I think mine was a witch!"

 

"A witch?" replies the other old man: "Why the hell would you think that?"

 

"Well" replied his old friend: "As I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I gave her a little bite - then she farted and flew out the window - taking my false teeth with her"!!

[bri365]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are at home. Bored shitless.

“What should we do Holmes?” asks Watson.

“How about some bum sex?” replies Holmes.

“I’m game” said Watson.

So Sherlock goes to the kitchen and comes back with goose fat and proceeds to smear it on Watson arse.

Ten minutes of struggling and Sherlock says “it’s no use, this won’t work” and returns to the kitchen.

This time he tries Margarine, but alas still no luck. Off he goes to the kitchen again and comes back with some Jif. Smears it on Watson chocolate starfish and within seconds he is balls deep.

“f*****g hell Holmes, what was that?”.

”Lemon entry my dear fellow”.

[bri365]

How do you wash a pod of dolphins? You use multi-porpoise cleaner.

 

Someone's stole my Willy Warmer from the washing line!! I'm not bothered about the warmer, I just want the 40 pegs back.

 

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees and Toes.

 

Dog food is really expensive these days. £1 a tin at Tesco. That's £7 in dog money!

 

[Interviewer] "What are your strengths?

[ Me]: "I fall in love too easily."

[Interviewer] "OK...what are your weaknesses?

[ Me] "Those blue eyes of yours".

 

They say that 40 is the new 30! Try telling that to a speed camera!!

[stanmarsh14]

It's that time of year again people, so blame Geddy for this!

 

<@Hisao> !quote strawberry
<@sm14|lappy> "I went to the world strawberry picking championships today.... a woman with no legs won....... jammy cnut !!!!! - Troutman - 03/09/2003 " {(mpu34 #287)} {(1 results)}

Edited by stanmarsh14, 01 June 2017 - 10:42 AM.

[cashbox1]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[bri365]

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

 

 

I know I'll get me coat.

[ricardo de ponsa]

Ok then.

 

How do you kill a Circus ???

 

Go for the Juggler !!!!!!!

[cashbox1]

rolf harris calls the prison governor to his cell to see the new sketch he`s done on his cell wall...."Rolf,that`s shit" said the governor...Rofl said "yeah i know,but if you`d let me have some paint".....

[bri365]

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

[cashbox1]

bloke goes into a sex shop and enquires about the cost of sex dolls.he`s promptly told by the proprietor that "we have some good old run of the mill vinyl vera`s for a tenner,or you can have an ISIS doll,but they will cost a ton each." the customer taken aback by the cost of thr ISIS dolls asks "WTF is so special about the ISIS dolls ?" the shopkeeper tells him... "well the ISIS dolls blow themselves up!!!"