2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

 As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

[stanmarsh14]

What's seen more balls than a cricket bat at Trent Bridge's ground at Nottingham? Elton John's chin

[hitthesix]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for the weekend. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had job commitments, they decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday and his wife would follow the next day.

On arriving, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address. Thus, the e-mail got sent to a total stranger without him realising.

Meanwhile in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral, to whom the e-mail had gone. The dearly departed was a minister of many years, who had passed away following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting condolences from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Harry 
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you will be surprised to hear from me. They have computers down here now, and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I have been checked in, and see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

p.s. Sure is hot down here!

[hitthesix]

A Golfing Murder
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes"

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

 

 

 

 

 

"I don't know. Five, six, seven ..... Put me down for a five."

[bri365]

I've just invented a new flavour of crisps. If they're successful I'll make a packet.

[bri365]

How do you know that google is a woman.

Because it doesn't let you finish your sentence before giving you the answer.

[bri365]

I just inherited some dried grapes, I’ve put them in my currant account.

[bri365]

Took my PC back to Currys this morning and told them that every time I turn it on it makes a horrible whining noise. Turns out my computer is A DELL

[hitthesix]

The 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant Major Ingram, was found dead today.

It is not know whether it was suicide or foul play.

T.V. bosses have stated, "They will pay for the funeral, but not for the coffin."

[hitthesix]

The Pregnant Lady

 

COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time his smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.

She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins Are Coming" and I smiled.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slone's Ointment Will Reduce The Swelling" and I had to grin.

When she sat under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", I could hardly contain myself.

But your Honor, when she moved for a fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident" ..... I just lost it.

CASE DISMISSED.

[bri365]

I've invented a new game called "Quite Tennis". It's like normal tennis but without the racket?

[stardust]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."

[hitthesix]

An Ice Cream vendor was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[bri365]

Paddy in Wetherspoons:  "How much is your lager?" Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, f*** the photo!

[stardust]

I went to the bus stop the other day where a heavily pregnant woman was waiting...

 

"When's it due?" I politely asked her.

 

"In nine days" she smiled back...

 

I said "Bollocks to that!" - and started walking!

[uptown47]

Two women chatting, one says.....

 

"I'm going to get a boob job"

 

The other says, "I'm going to get my arsehole bleached."

 

The first lady says "Really? I can't imagine your Derek blond."

 

 

Boom tish.. I'm here all week....

[hitthesix]

Taking a break from the golf circuit in Ireland, Tiger Woods driving his new Chrysler car, stops for fuel at a petrol station.

The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, "Top o' the morning to ya!", totally unaware who the golf pro is.

As Tiger gets out of the car, 2 golf tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

 

"And what would ya be usin 'em for?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

 

 

 

"Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!", exclaims the Irish attendant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What will those fella's at Chrysler think of next!"

[bri365]

Swallowed two pieces of string yesterday and today they came out tied together........I shit you knot.

[hitthesix]

Why I Fired My Secretary

 

Yesterday was my 50th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning let alone 'Happy Birthday'. I thought, well that's wives for you. The children are sure to remember.

 

 

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday", and I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday. Let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" So we went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go. Instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

 

On the way back to the office she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't have to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "Well, I guess not. All the work is up to date"

She said, "Then let's go to my apartment."

 

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and after about five minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I JUST SAT THERE,
ON THE COUCH,
NAKED.

[bri365]

The man who got mauled earlier at the Teddy Bears Picnic is in a stable condition, but he's not out of the woods yet!!