2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

[bri365]

Wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling of my boxers.

She then called me a sick bastard and reported me to the RSPCA.

[bri365]

Facebook is a bit like checking your underwear after a fart,

most likely there's nothing new, and if there is, it's probably shit.

[bri365]

Told the Mrs that I don't want to go to an 80's fancy dress party. But she remains adamant.

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning. I can't believe Gaviscon.

[hitthesix]

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, 

 

 

I said "Do you get my drift?"

[ricardo de ponsa]

.

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[bri365]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

[hitthesix]

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

 

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

[cashbox1]

just been cured of my addiction to singing "the lion sleeps tonight",i`m not going to get complacent about it though, i know its return is only a whim away a whim away

[hitthesix]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

 

 

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

[bri365]

Nearly got the sack from my job at a well known supermarket when an old lady at the cashpoint said she wanted to check her balance so I pushed her over. Then someone asked where our specials were and I told them they collect the trolly's.

[bri365]

Told my friend that a Do it yourself sex change was a bad idea.

Well I must say he actually pulled it off.

[bri365]

How do you milk sheep?

You release a new iphone and charge them a grand for it.

[bri365]

Why does the Avon Lady walk funny?

Her Lipstick.

 

I heard our Avon Lady is pregnant....................Max Factor!

[stardust]

Wrong... on so many levels! 

 

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[stanmarsh14]

Me and the missus have just adopted a little scouse baby.

 

I said "Can we call him "Google"?

 

She replied "Why the f*** should we call him that"?

 

"Well" I said, "He's going to spend most of his life getting searched"

[hitthesix]

Do you want to find out who is truly your real friend?

This really works !!!

If you don't believe me, just try this little experiment.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

[bri365]

(Me to friend):- " I've just lost my job at Tesco because I stuck my dick in the bacon slicer"

(friend) "what did they do with the bacon slicer"?

(Me) they sacked her as well"!

Edited by bri365, 08 October 2017 - 10:44 PM.

[bri365]

The queue in A&E was so long today, the fellow next to me was being treated for musket wounds

Edited by bri365, 08 October 2017 - 10:47 PM.

[bri365]

Went to the butchers shop,

"have you got a sheep's head mate" I asked.

"no, it's just the way I comb my hair" he replied