2120 replies to this topic

[nails]

Is there a Stanley on here ?

 

tell him ive got his knife.

[bri365]

wife collapsed yesterday with a suspected heart attack. I sent for an ambulance. Just hope it turns up soon or I've wasted a stamp.

[cashbox1]

just had my mate on the phone sobbing his heart out-he`d spent £350 quid on a West Bromwich Albion  season ticket and lost it - I told him he was a selfish bastard who only thought about himself, when in fact he should be thinking about the poor sod who`s going to find it !!

[stanmarsh14]

A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it’s being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.

 

She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.

 

So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.

 

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”

 

On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM! the dogs dead”

 

She asks, “How did that happen?”

 

The boy replies, “I had a tug and shot him!”

Edited by stanmarsh14, 16 October 2017 - 10:52 PM.

[cashbox1]

how do yoou milk a sheep?....you bring out a new iPhone

[unclechicken]

I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words...

 

"F**k me, a bus!".

[bri365]

how do yoou milk a sheep?....you bring out a new iPhone

I posted this on the 13th of September?????????? Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did you naughty boy.

 

Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:58 PM

How do you milk sheep?

You release a new iphone and charge them a grand for it.

[stardust]

So wear some thick underwear and don't bend over...

 

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[bri365]

A cannibal hobbles back into his village with half a leg and an arm missing,

"thought you went away on holiday" said his mate

"I did, but it was self catering" he replied.

[bri365]

Managers are like clouds. When they feck off it usually turns out to be a nice day.

[bri365]

So for this Halloween, the wife suggested we have a horror movie night with each of us choosing our favorite horror movie. Now she's pissed because my choice was our wedding video.

[cashbox1]

A very drunk paddy meets a prostitute in a dark alley.
Paddy asks "how much for full sex?"
"20" she replies.
"ok" says paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a copper appears and shines a torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?"he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife"
"Sorry sir" apologizes the cop "I didn't know that was your wife"
Paddy shouts "neither did I til you shone your feckin torch in her face!"

[stardust]

The mind-thought of leaders eh...  

 

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[cashbox1]

Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.


 

[stanmarsh14]

If you close your eyes whilst rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference...

It also gets you banned from Tescos!

[bri365]

I've started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

[stanmarsh14]

So Jesus walked into a pub in Derby, got talking to a Scottish bloke who bought Jesus a scotch and Jesus touched him and cured his bad back.

He then walked in a pub in Nottingham and got talking to an Irish bloke who bought Jesus a Guinness, so Jesus touched him and his arthritis was cured.

Jesus walked in the Red Lion Heanor and everyone said 'f*** off, I'm on disability'.

[bri365]

As I was running out of Tesco's earlier with a joint of beef under my arm that I had nicked, the security guard shouted to me "what are doing with that?".

"Peas and gravy" I replied and carried on running.

[unclechicken]

A man went to his in-laws' house for a nice meal. When his mother-in-law served up the meal, she asked, "How many potatoes would you like?" "Just one," he answered. "Don't worry," she said. "There's no need to be polite." "Okay," he said. "I'll just have one you fat old cow."

 

-------------------------------------------

 

I thought i'd buy the wife some flowers on the way home from work the other day. I turned up at home and she said "I'll suppose i'll have to open my legs for these?". I replied "Why, haven't we got a vase?"

Edited by unclechicken, 19 November 2017 - 12:34 AM.

[unclechicken]

Went to the butchers shop,

"have you got a sheep's head mate" I asked.

"no, it's just the way I comb my hair" he replied

 

Lol thats a bit like, went to the butchers shop and asked him if he had sheeps testicles. He replied "No, its just the way my trousers are hanging"