2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

My Doctor suggested I enter rehab due to my dot to dot addiction but I told him I'm fine and I know where to draw the line.

[bri365]

Poor old Paddy broke both his legs in a motorbike accident and is sat at home.

Murphy calls around to see him.

"How you doing mate?" asked Murphy,

"I've been better" replied Paddy

"well if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask" said Murphy.

" Actually" reply's Paddy " you couldn't nip upstairs and get my slippers, my toes are freezing" he continued.

So Murphy heads upstairs, as he passes one of the bedrooms he notices Paddy's twin 18 year old daughters in their bedroom, so he enters the room,

"Hello girls" say's Murphy " your Dad sent me up to make love with you both"

" Your lying" said one of the shocked daughters.

"Oh am I" replied Murphy "watch this" he continued.

"PADDY BOTH OF THEM?" he shouted in the direction of downstairs

" Well, Fecking one of them is no good" replied Paddy.........................

[Memap]

There's a man in my neighbourhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

[stanmarsh14]

My mates lad said he wanted a puppy for Christmas. I told him he will have Ham and Turkey like the rest of us.

[stardust]

Made me smile...

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[stanmarsh14]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

 

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.

 

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

 

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

 

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

 

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

 

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

 

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

 

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

 

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,

And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

 

A f*** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

 

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

 

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,

Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!!"

[bri365]

What sexual position would you use to produce an ugly child???

Ask your mum

[stardust]

Satan has got fed up receiving Christmas present lists from dyslexic children this year...

[dachshund]

Forget the ice bucket challenge. Ive just had a go at the new one thats doing the rounds. You have to juggle an onion, a potatoe and a tin of corned beef

I made a right hash of it

[bri365]

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician is that it takes me until New Year's Day to open my Christmas presents.

[stanmarsh14]

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

That's the last time I eat gran's trifle.

[stardust]

After 70 years of marriage, celebrating with The Queen and Prince Philip, one old man was asked in an interview why he always used terms of endearment such as ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’ to his wife after all that time...

“Because I forgotten her name about 10 years ago and haven’t dared ask her for it since!” came his classic reply.

[bri365]

Just bought a porn dvd. Put it on and all I can see is some dark image of a fat guy holding his dick????? oh wait I haven't switched the telly on yet.

[stanmarsh14]

There once t'was a strippers new stunt,
It used ass cheeks or freshly shaved c***,

Either would do, neither could chew,

She dated me for 6 months. WHAT?!? You expected fecking rhymes???

Edited by stanmarsh14, 11 January 2018 - 09:52 PM.

[bri365]

God: How many animals do I have left to make?

Angel: 2

God: How many legs do I have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: Dibs!

Snake: You twat!

Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men... Due to the fact that they change them every 10 seconds or so.

 

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

[stanmarsh14]

Last week: Nottingham Forest beat Arsenal.

This week: Nottingham railway station goes up in flames.

Today: Police interview 'ARSON' Wenger.

[bri365]

Sitting watching television last night when there was a knock at the door. I answered it to find a police officer standing there.

"Can I come in Sir, I need to speak to you about something" he said.

"What is this about?" I inquired

"Well Sir we have had a report that your dog has been chasing a Pakistani gentleman on a motorbike" he added.

"Well he's a liar, my dog hasn't got a motorbike" I replied and shut the door.

[stanmarsh14]

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man says: 'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!!

[bri365]

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

"bed hard" he said.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the man.

“Well,” the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

[stanmarsh14]

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a woman's CU Next Tuesday out of clay.

But the heat from his prick

Turned it into a brick.

And he chaffed his foreskin away!