2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

Paddy and Murphy are on the bus to work. Paddy is doing the crossword in the paper.

" I can't get this one" said Paddy

"What's the clue" asked Murphy.

" Old MacDonald had one, five letters" said Paddy.

"Easy" replied Murphy, "that would be farm" he explained.

"How do you spell it" asked Paddy.

" E I E I O" said Murphy

[bri365]

After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful.
I start last Monday.

[cashbox1]

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

[cashbox1]

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

[cashbox1]

2 essex birds sat watching a film at the local odeon - "here shaz," says the one... "the bloke next to me is having a w**k " !! ,"ignore him" her mate said - "I can`t - he`s using MY hand" !!

Edited by cashbox1, 03 April 2018 - 09:30 PM.

[bri365]

Hagrid: "You're a unit of power Harry!"

Harry: "I'm a Watt?"

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down in a train next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "say father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "my son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath". The drunk muttered in response, "well, I'll be damned" then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[bri365]

My mate is so stupid, he was up all night studying for his blood test.

[stanmarsh14]

Some may not like this, but here goes.....

 

Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital yesterday so I asked her out for a drink to take her mind off her recent ordeal.

 

Unfortunately she stormed out of the pub after less than a minute. Maybe "What's your poison?" Wasn't the best opening line!

[bri365]

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Services sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the revenue agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO (Chief Finance Officer) of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO."What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Services,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick!!

[stanmarsh14]

Two gays guys in a car on the M1.

A truck shunts them from the back.

One of the passengers jumps out of the car, runs to the truckers door flings it open, hands on hips and shouts at the trucker , "I'm gonna sue your ass," trucker replies," Suck my dick."

He rushes back to car to his mate and says to his friend,"I've settled out of court!

[bri365]

During plane flights, I get really bad earache! This year, I've found a solution that'll help. I've booked my wife's seat ten rows back.

[stardust]

Two veg anyone...

 

I've got the meat! 

 

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[bri365]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate+cream and throw cherries at me. Life was tough in the gateau.........I'll get me coat.

[bri365]

I was in the park today when a man came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my wife's tits on your iPhone?"
"Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think."
"So what is it then?" he asked.

I said, "A Samsung s8

[stanmarsh14]

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid ten pence but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved ten pennies but shat my pants.

[bri365]

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid ten pence but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved ten pennies but shat my pants.

reminds me of the old school bog graffiti at my school which read

"Some come here to sit and think"

"Some come here to shit and stink"

"Others come here to rub their balls"

" i came here to scrawl on walls"

[bri365]

Spent £20 on a self help DVD titled "How to avoid disappointment"! Opened it up and the bugger was empty.

[stardust]

Ooh I say...

 

Know what I mean Harry?! 

 

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[cashbox1]

the Mrs said shes going to leave me because of my obsession with singing Monkee`s songs...i thought she was joking... and then i saw her face 

Edited by cashbox1, 23 April 2018 - 10:12 PM.

[stanmarsh14]

Kate Middleton got preggers in July when Wimbledon was on..... be she never knew William was so highly seeded