2120 replies to this topic

[rarnold]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[rarnold]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[rarnold]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

[Dr DX]

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
*------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[MordaciousK]

Michael Jackson asks his lawyer to get him a good DVD in to watch.

"Shall I get you Aladdin?" asks the lawyer.

"Dont you think im in enough trouble???" says Jacko.

I know its a bit old now, but its not on here lol



And the worst joke in history I heard when I was at school......



Two biscuits walking down the street. One says "Where do you live?"

The other replies "Im not telling you, you'll nick my washing!!"




Thats poor.......


Two piles of sick are walking down the street, one of them starts crying.

"Whats up with you" asks the first one.

The second one says "I was brought up round here"

That biscuit joke was utter crap and made no sense reminded me of a period at school where people told 'stupid jokes'-basically they made no sense and weren't funny like the biscuits thing. The 'sick' thing at least raised a smile

[MordaciousK]

Sgt that last one cracked me up and it actually rings true as well.Because there are still people out there that should be nowhere near anything as dangerous as an alarm clock.Unfortunately saying that last bit on tape would probably get u fired though granted any superior with a sense of humour should have let it go with maybe a written warning.

[RB]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

[Dr DX]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

roflmao

[Dr DX]

heres more,

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with toilet training and I was onto him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While eating my burger, I smelled something funny, so I checked my seven-month-old daughter but she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not been to the toilet in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I asked, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled."SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their burgers laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by telling me that they thought it was them.

---

This had a lot of viewers laughing for 2 days. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any??? A female news anchor, who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!




Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as ...................."a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ..............."marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.




The following is an update on the implementation of the English language as the official language of the European Community.

"You will be pleased to know that The European Commission has just announced an agreement, whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!!

[RB]

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-40 figure.
"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.
"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"

[RB]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[RB]

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

[Liverpool2008]

lmfao

[PJ]

Geordie bloke on holiday in America, went into a restaurant and ordered an authentic English meal. Presently the plate was brought out, and to his disgust, it contained a large lump of shit, covered in fresh puke.

"AAAAA, y'dorty frigg'n' bastads - A'm nevva gannin' here ageen!" he shouted in a loud voice, before storming out, cursing some more. (you can tell I'm a Viz reader, can't you... )

The manager came over to investigate - "What the hell crawled up his ass?" he asked, to which the waiter replied "I've no idea, I know how weird some English guys are, I just gave him what he asked for"...

The manager asked "What did he order then?", to which the waiter replied...


..."Turd In The Hurl"...

[ross]

whats the difference between a car tyre and 300 condoms?



























ones a good year and ones a f*****g good year

[lincs1]

lol thats been out for years but excellent joke anywayz ross

[RB]

The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was
caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

[jay2]

Elton john has been arrested for an act of lewd behavior....
His defence claim that Elton mis-understood the vicar when he was asked to put his ring on his husband to be's finger

[RB]

Wedding Anniversary

Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary.
One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other man replied," A Jag and a Mercedes."
"wow that weird why both?"
"Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"wow that's really weird why?"
"well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*** herself!"

[mythicos]

Two dudes are in the pub and they're remarking upon how f***in outright ugly their wives are.

"mines so ugly. hehehe.. you wouldnt even want to make eye contact with her !" says the first.

"yeah? well you should see mine.. f***in AWFUL she is" says the second.


They decide that they really have to see whose wife is the worst, seeing as theyve spent so long explaining.

So, they go to dude # 1's house...

They knock on the door and his wife opens..

"god, now she's f*****g ugly" says dude #2.. "but you gotta see mine !"

They go to dude #2's house and walk in.. theres noone to greet them.

As they walk into the living room dude #2 pulls up the carpet, undoes a padlock and opens a trapdoor.. at which point he yells down some steps

"GURTY... get your arse up here !"

she says "should I put on my paper bag?" to which he replies

"No Gurty.. I dont want to f*** you I want to show you to someone"