2120 replies to this topic

[ricardo de ponsa]

I got a book out of the library the other day, "The History Of Glue".

 

I haven't been able to put it down all week, I'm stuck on Chapter 4 !!!!!!!

[bri365]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway....

[stardust]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

Licalotapus

 

(I'll get me coat - again)

[hitthesix]

A man and his wife are sitting in front of their PC, and trying to set up a new password. The husband types 'mypenis' as password. The wife immediately falls on ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as "Error! Password's Not Long Enough."

[cashbox1]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

Licalotapus

 

(I'll get me coat - again)

how many screws in a lesbian`s bed ? none - its all tongue and groove

[bri365]

how many screws in a lesbian`s bed ? none - its all tongue and groove

Two deaf Lesbians in the in the library had their hands down each others trousers, apparently they were lip reading.

[bri365]

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

[stardust]

This put me off bananas... 

 

 10320406_779652775387720_6604191688134629181_n.jpg   41.69KB   0 downloads

[bri365]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

 

Bloody Foreigner.

[cashbox1]

a few years back,i was in my local supermarket and the chairman of Apple came in and bought all the Mr Sheen,i thought "typical", "jobs taking all our polish"

[hitthesix]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 

 

”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

 

 

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

 

When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I shit on?”

 

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

[bri365]

I was in the supermarket the other when I turned around suddenly and my elbow hit a woman right in the boob.

"Sorry madam" i said "But if your heart is as soft as your bosom, you'll forgive" i continued.

"That's alright dear" she replied, and then said "if you dick is as hard as your elbow, I'll meet you in the car park".

[stanmarsh14]

Don't you just love it when people knock on your door collecting for charity......Had one collecting for the local sperm bank last night..... So I gave her a right mouthful.

[bri365]

Went to the doctors today to tell him that I keep hearing voices from my underpants!

He told me to ignore the voices as they were talking bollocks!!

[stanmarsh14]

£20m to make a film about Maddie McCann..... the hell are they gonna call it, Home Alone: Lost in Portugal?

[bri365]

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning. I love felt tips.

[hitthesix]

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

 

 

 

 

For anyone who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

 

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

[bri365]

My daughter keeps giving everyone in the house shocks from static electricity. I've grounded her.

[bri365]

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a f***, he's still going!

[ricardo de ponsa]

After several years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ...............But I go fishing on Fridays!