2120 replies to this topic

[cashbox1]

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[bri365]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

[bri365]

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place. Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.
When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'

[bri365]

Already planning next years Christmas dinner, with Brexit it will mean no more Brussels.......I'll get me coat.

[cashbox1]

i went to the doctors and told him"you`ve got to help me .i keep singing more than words" he said "wow,that`s a bit extreme"

[bri365]

I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday. I managed to swap three OXO cubes for a jar of Bovril.

[bri365]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's' occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[bri365]

Went to a party last night for retired shoemakers..........It was cobblers

[cary]

Why did  ‎Blockbusters  get Cancelled ?

 

 

because teenagers didn't like asking BOB for an E ......

[cashbox1]

basil brush has converted to islam - boom boom

[bri365]

I've toyed with the idea of having a threesome, but then I worked out that if I wanted to disappoint two at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

[bri365]

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

[cashbox1]

just got back from an Iraqi birrthday party,the food was lovely,but i shit myself when it came to pass the parcel

[bri365]

After a year in a coma, my wife is having to learn the basics again. How to walk, how to dress herself, how to feed herself and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

I just don't understand women. I thought opening the door for her was the polite thing to do.......she just screamed and flew out the plane.

[bri365]

If you’re here for the yodelling lessons, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

[cashbox1]

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[bri365]

Met a woman in the pub last night who was wearing a very short skirt. On one thigh she had the word "dinner" tattooed, and on the other she had "lunch" tattooed. I asked what the tattoo's were for and she invited me to eat between meals.

[bri365]

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your f*****g elbow won't get better!" Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[bri365]

Snow White and the seven dwarfs were making their way along a rather dodgy mountain pass, the dwarfs were all tide together with a long rope but one of them slipped and all seven plummeted down the hillside into a large ravine. Snow white called down, "are you guys all right?". After a brief pause a voice shouted back, "Arsenal are going to win the treble this year". Thank f*** Dopey's survived thought Snow White.

[bri365]

I have spent the last four years searching for my wife's killer!!!! but no one wants the job.