2120 replies to this topic

[unclechicken]

When I was younger I used to dig holes in the neighbours garden. Fred and Rosemary used to go crazy when they caught me.

[bri365]

I've been reading up about how animals make different sounds in different language countries. For instance in Korea a dog makes a sizzling sound.

[stardust]

We've all been there...

 

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[hitthesix]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

[bri365]

[bri365]

Breaking news.. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night. The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

[bri365]

Chris visited his psychiatrist in Harley Street and told him that he thought he was turning into a packet of biscuits.

'What sort of biscuits?' asked the psychiatrist.
'Square ones,' answered Chris.

'With little holes in them?' the psychiatrist enquired.
That's right, Doc,' responded Chris with relief, 'That's it exactly.'

'You're crackers!' announced the psychiatrist.

[bri365]

I ate four tins of alphabetti spaghetti for breakfast..............................Just had the biggest vowel movement of my life.

[ricardo de ponsa]

Police are warning the public that terrorist have planted bombs inside tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti.

 

They say if one of these tins explode, it could spell  'D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R'.

[bri365]

Went to the Doctor who gave me a note. I read it and went straight home and showed the wife.

"Look the Doctor says I'm to have daily sex" i said showing her the note.

Wife read it and said "Twat,it says your dyslexic"

[ricardo de ponsa]

Yesterday thieves broke into our local Police station and stole all the toilets.

 

A police spokesman today said, "At the moment we have nothing to go on".

[ricardo de ponsa]

Local Police are trying to locate a man who has stabbed six people in the buttocks with a knitting needle.

 

A Police spokesman said, " We think that the Knitting Needle Nutter is working to some kind of pattern" !!!!

[ricardo de ponsa]

Police arrested two men yesterday, one for eating fireworks and one for drinking battery acid.

 

The man who ate the fireworks was let off and the man who drank the battery acid was put on a charge !!!

 

Ricardo De Ponsa

 

News At ten

 

Sober.

[bri365]

A Weasel walks into a bar.

"Wow don't get many Weasels in here" said the barman, "what can I get you" he asked.

"Pop" goes the Weasel.

[bri365]

Friday 8th March is International Women's Day..............It would have been yesterday but they took too long getting ready.

[bri365]

A young man moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the lad so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£151,237.64" The guy told him.

The manager choked and exclaimed “£151,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekends ruined, you might as well go fishing!"”

[dachshund]

i was feeling down last night so i went a comedy site. they had every sort of comedy on their site. Stupidly i clicked on the funny skat category. There was this hefty german bint curling one off on this poor blokes face and all he could do was laugh when it hit his face....... not my idea of shits and giggles

[cashbox1]

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[frig]

Mounted police!

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[unclechicken]

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day

 

Set that man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life