2120 replies to this topic

[ricardo de ponsa]

What's pink and hard first thing in the morning ?

 

The Financial Times Crossword.

 

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers ?

 

Your mum on washing day.

[ricardo de ponsa]

I was really annoyed the other day when the staff at the Odeon Cinema said that they wouldn't accept a £50 note when I was paying for my 'Pick-N-Mix'.

 

In the end I had to pay with two twenties and a ten !!!!!!

[bri365]

Over the last two years I have been developing a gel, that when rubbed on a woman's vagina, makes her pussy taste like beer. Today the government denied my request for a licence to sell the gel because they feared it may lead to excessive minge drinking.

[bri365]

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning. The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p. I replied that she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound!

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms... ...knock knock, Who's there, Not Sally that's for sure.

[bri365]

I saw a great Indian porn film last night... Miss Singh In Action!

 

There are 27 bones in the human hand... And 28 when I'm lonely!

 

It's Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow... I'm already dreading it!

[bri365]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three f*****g hours ago!"

[bri365]

My boss was supposed to deliver a training course on Innuendo's in the workplace after so many staff members complained about me... Unfortunately she wasn't well and couldn't attend, so I had to fill her slot instead!

[cashbox1]

ive just written a hit west end musical,its about 2 women in an unhappy relationship... im calling it Miserable Les 

[barcrest junky]

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms... ...knock knock, Who's there, Not Sally that's for sure.

Reminds me of strawberries.

[ricardo de ponsa]

My dog ate a whole box of Scrabble tiles the other day.

 

The vet said he would be alright, but to keep an eye on his vowel movements.

[ricardo de ponsa]

Who is Borussia Moenchengladbach’s most hated supporter? The one who shouts “Give me a B”.

[bri365]

Just bought the wife a Pug dog for her Birthday...............Despite the bulging eyes, saggy skin and bad breath, the dog really likes her.

[ricardo de ponsa]

I was woken up the other morning by the smell of fishy breath, whiskers tickling my face and a rough wet tongue licking me.  

 

 

I do wish the missus would stop doing that !!!!!

[bri365]

Yesterday I saw a guy walk out of a shop and spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him "What's the word on the street".

Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling. Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight arse, and... f*** sake! Never mind!

[stardust]

Good old Liz...

 

She's been sat on the Throne now for 67 years, bless her!

 

 60011236_10157429314036802_7949269924071866368_o.jpg   98.26KB   1 downloads

[cashbox1]

im never offering to share my tobacco with asylum seekers ever again - i asked them who`d got papers and they all ran away

[bri365]

Good old Liz...

 

She's been sat on the Throne now for 67 years, bless her!

 

60011236_10157429314036802_7949269924071866368_o.jpg

If they find you, you're going to the tower for posting that..............................Still funny though

[bri365]

Sad news..

 

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

 

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

[ricardo de ponsa]

This morning at the Asda check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

 

I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive.

 

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

[bri365]

Is it wrong that i really enjoy running geese over? It gives me goose bumps...