8 replies to this topic

[gemini17]

I have in the past discussed and chatted to several friends on the site re my uncles dementia.

Over the past 6 months he has rapidly deteriorated and in the last 2 weeks he became violent-both verbally and physically.

My dad (as his main carer),is now on a cocktail of drugs -due to the stress he was under and is on the waiting list to see a counsellor.

As a result of the above I fianaly got through to S.Services and on Tuesday he was admitted to a home for rest bite care.

This will lead to a permanent place in the near future,after numerous tests have been carried out.

I feel so many mixed emotions atm as there is(without doubt),an abundance of relief but coupled with that there is so much guilt within us all, as we all feel we have almost abandoned him now in some way!

I do not wish what we have gone through upon anyone but my prominent point to my posting is this,to one and all out there look out for all loved ones who surround you and above all if you see the slightest change in yourself or a family member-re there memory,go get them or your self checked out. Because things will only get worse and deteriorate further.

 

Thank you for reading my post.

 

Jay

[stanmarsh14]

Sometimes you have no choice BUT to call local services in bud, much as your heart says otherwise.

As a full-time carer myself, I have been in this exact same situation myself with mum, and with her mental health (Borderline manic depressive / mood swings, along with general psychical health), and just this past two weeks, had to head her off taking her own life, and some of the words I used at her to stop her taking her life, although stopped her in her tracks, I feel guilty as hell saying, but as the situation at the time demanded, I had little other choice.

Noting the above, I did unfortunately had to call in the assistance of the local crisis team for help, and like yourself, I felt guilty in doing so, but I knew if I did not, I would have not been able to control the situation I had on my hands.

Calling in for outside help is NOT a bad reflection on yourself / Dad, but shows you massively care for your uncle's plight, and would practically do anything to ensure his safety, even if it means calling for outside assistance.

I am sure if you speak to Daryl (If anything, Daryl is more qualified than I am to talk about this very situation, as a dementia sufferer himself), he will pretty much tell you the same thing as I have done.

 

You are not alone here, and should you ever need to talk, even if it's just about daft shit, I am here, so is Daryl, as well as the rest of the community here at FE who gives a dam.

Regards,

Mark

Edited by stanmarsh14, 16 February 2017 - 01:42 PM.

[TommyC]

Sorry to hear things have gone worse mate. You shouldn't feel guilty,if you need help then that's what you have to do. My nan died from dementia some years ago now and i remember the stress all the family members went through at the time. My nan ended up in respite care for a time,such an horrible illness. Used to visit her every week but she didnt know who i was towards the end. I wish you all the best mate.

[fuzion]

I feel for you mate, it's a difficult one, I lost my dad last April after 6 years of home caring for him, we were in a position to be able to be there for him 24/7 as me and my brother were self employed and my sister wasn't working.   His last couple of years were extremely stressful but like I said we were extremely fortunate to be able to be there for him.

 

Dementia is such a sad way for anyone to go, my dad (fortunately for him) declined extremely quickly, within 2 years he had lost everything mentally so we didn't have the violent episodes, so, so heartbreaking, we are such a close family.

 

All the best.

 

J

[stardust]

I have in the past discussed and chatted to several friends on the site re my uncles dementia.

Over the past 6 months he has rapidly deteriorated and in the last 2 weeks he became violent-both verbally and physically.

My dad (as his main carer),is now on a cocktail of drugs -due to the stress he was under and is on the waiting list to see a counsellor.

As a result of the above I fianaly got through to S.Services and on Tuesday he was admitted to a home for rest bite care.

This will lead to a permanent place in the near future,after numerous tests have been carried out.

I feel so many mixed emotions atm as there is(without doubt),an abundance of relief but coupled with that there is so much guilt within us all, as we all feel we have almost abandoned him now in some way!

I do not wish what we have gone through upon anyone but my prominent point to my posting is this,to one and all out there look out for all loved ones who surround you and above all if you see the slightest change in yourself or a family member-re there memory,go get them or your self checked out. Because things will only get worse and deteriorate further.

 

Thank you for reading my post.

 

Jay

 

Hi Jay...

 

I know what you're going through mate, both as a carer and also, as you know, as someone with the condition too.

 

When I had to put my mum into care, it broke my heart - but in the end, I knew it was the safest, wisest and most loving and caring decision that I ever had to make - in fact, looking back, I realised it was actually one of the easiest.

 

You see, the violent episodes, the wandering off, the strange habits they'll accustom too, the unhygienic way they become, will all become progressively worse - you end up fighting a losing battle - you cannot win and the battle gets more worse, the more you try and avoid the inevitability of knowing that you  are in too deep and just can't cope anymore - it is a human, natural and family loving way that you feel 'guilty' - but I honestly believe that if you try to continue, when clearly things just aren't right, you aren't being fair to yourself, but more importantly, you aren't being fair to the person you love who is suffering from this evil condition.

 

Don't reproach yourself harshly - praise your dad for caring for his brother for so long - and praise yourself for helping that long - but praise your uncle more than anything, because sometimes, deep down, they do 'listen and hear' - let him know he is loved... Believe me when you go and visit him at his carehome, he will be your uncle to you once more - and not someone who you are having to care for 24/7 - it is the most loveliest feeling I know that I can now visit my mum as my 'mum' and not visiting her to care, change, clean and feed her - and that to me is worth it's weight in gold.

 

I have made arrangements in advance for my care to be taken over when the time comes that I am no longer capable of making such decisions ( a few of you may think that is now, but you can bugger off!  )... I am not leaving it to my nephew and my other family to let them make a difficult decision that sadly, some of a generation refuse to accept and understand... I understand this illness alright and what it can do - and will do.

 

You have my sympathy buddy - I honestly know the emotions that are running through your head right now... You'll have my love and support for as long as you need it and I can give it mate.

 

Love Daryl xx

[barcrest junky]

 

Hi Jay...

 

I know what you're going through mate, both as a carer and also, as you know, as someone with the condition too.

 

When I had to put my mum into care, it broke my heart - but in the end, I knew it was the safest, wisest and most loving and caring decision that I ever had to make - in fact, looking back, I realised it was actually one of the easiest.

 

You see, the violent episodes, the wandering off, the strange habits they'll accustom too, the unhygienic way they become, will all become progressively worse - you end up fighting a losing battle - you cannot win and the battle gets more worse, the more you try and avoid the inevitability of knowing that you  are in too deep and just can't cope anymore - it is a human, natural and family loving way that you feel 'guilty' - but I honestly believe that if you try to continue, when clearly things just aren't right, you aren't being fair to yourself, but more importantly, you aren't being fair to the person you love who is suffering from this evil condition.

 

Don't reproach yourself harshly - praise your dad for caring for his brother for so long - and praise yourself for helping that long - but praise your uncle more than anything, because sometimes, deep down, they do 'listen and hear' - let him know he is loved... Believe me when you go and visit him at his carehome, he will be your uncle to you once more - and not someone who you are having to care for 24/7 - it is the most loveliest feeling I know that I can now visit my mum as my 'mum' and not visiting her to care, change, clean and feed her - and that to me is worth it's weight in gold.

 

I have made arrangements in advance for my care to be taken over when the time comes that I am no longer capable of making such decisions ( a few of you may think that is now, but you can bugger off!  )... I am not leaving it to my nephew and my other family to let them make a difficult decision that sadly, some of a generation refuse to accept and understand... I understand this illness alright and what it can do - and will do.

 

You have my sympathy buddy - I honestly know the emotions that are running through your head right now... You'll have my love and support for as long as you need it and I can give it mate.

 

Love Daryl xx

 

Lovely post Daryl, on a really difficult subject.

 

And to Jay, you have friends on here to speak to at any time.  All the best.

[ricardo de ponsa]

 

Hi Jay...

 

I know what you're going through mate, both as a carer and also, as you know, as someone with the condition too.

 

When I had to put my mum into care, it broke my heart - but in the end, I knew it was the safest, wisest and most loving and caring decision that I ever had to make - in fact, looking back, I realised it was actually one of the easiest.

 

You see, the violent episodes, the wandering off, the strange habits they'll accustom too, the unhygienic way they become, will all become progressively worse - you end up fighting a losing battle - you cannot win and the battle gets more worse, the more you try and avoid the inevitability of knowing that you  are in too deep and just can't cope anymore - it is a human, natural and family loving way that you feel 'guilty' - but I honestly believe that if you try to continue, when clearly things just aren't right, you aren't being fair to yourself, but more importantly, you aren't being fair to the person you love who is suffering from this evil condition.

 

Don't reproach yourself harshly - praise your dad for caring for his brother for so long - and praise yourself for helping that long - but praise your uncle more than anything, because sometimes, deep down, they do 'listen and hear' - let him know he is loved... Believe me when you go and visit him at his carehome, he will be your uncle to you once more - and not someone who you are having to care for 24/7 - it is the most loveliest feeling I know that I can now visit my mum as my 'mum' and not visiting her to care, change, clean and feed her - and that to me is worth it's weight in gold.

 

I have made arrangements in advance for my care to be taken over when the time comes that I am no longer capable of making such decisions ( a few of you may think that is now, but you can bugger off!  )... I am not leaving it to my nephew and my other family to let them make a difficult decision that sadly, some of a generation refuse to accept and understand... I understand this illness alright and what it can do - and will do.

 

You have my sympathy buddy - I honestly know the emotions that are running through your head right now... You'll have my love and support for as long as you need it and I can give it mate.

 

Love Daryl xx

Hi Daryl, that was the most passionate, sympathetic and heart felt message ever posted on FME. I'm sure nearly everyone on FME has known a friend, relative, neighbour, colleague or partner who is/has suffered from this b*st*rd of a disease.

It must be a monumental decision to have to plan your own destiny.

Edited by ricardo de ponsa, 16 February 2017 - 09:39 PM.

[gemini17]

I have in the past discussed and chatted to several friends on the site re my uncles dementia.

Over the past 6 months he has rapidly deteriorated and in the last 2 weeks he became violent-both verbally and physically.

My dad (as his main carer),is now on a cocktail of drugs -due to the stress he was under and is on the waiting list to see a counsellor.

As a result of the above I fianaly got through to S.Services and on Tuesday he was admitted to a home for rest bite care.

This will lead to a permanent place in the near future,after numerous tests have been carried out.

I feel so many mixed emotions atm as there is(without doubt),an abundance of relief but coupled with that there is so much guilt within us all, as we all feel we have almost abandoned him now in some way!

I do not wish what we have gone through upon anyone but my prominent point to my posting is this,to one and all out there look out for all loved ones who surround you and above all if you see the slightest change in yourself or a family member-re there memory,go get them or your self checked out. Because things will only get worse and deteriorate further.

 

Thank you for reading my post.

 

Jay

Real appreciate all your responses.

The support means a lot guys.

A lot of my guilt revolves around my dad who has battled on heroically with the 24 hour support he has given my uncle.

And he is 74!

Just the wait now for assessments etc and then hopefully we will have a permanent placement for my uncle.

 

 

Jay

[gemini17]

 

Hi Jay...

 

I know what you're going through mate, both as a carer and also, as you know, as someone with the condition too.

 

When I had to put my mum into care, it broke my heart - but in the end, I knew it was the safest, wisest and most loving and caring decision that I ever had to make - in fact, looking back, I realised it was actually one of the easiest.

 

You see, the violent episodes, the wandering off, the strange habits they'll accustom too, the unhygienic way they become, will all become progressively worse - you end up fighting a losing battle - you cannot win and the battle gets more worse, the more you try and avoid the inevitability of knowing that you  are in too deep and just can't cope anymore - it is a human, natural and family loving way that you feel 'guilty' - but I honestly believe that if you try to continue, when clearly things just aren't right, you aren't being fair to yourself, but more importantly, you aren't being fair to the person you love who is suffering from this evil condition.

 

Don't reproach yourself harshly - praise your dad for caring for his brother for so long - and praise yourself for helping that long - but praise your uncle more than anything, because sometimes, deep down, they do 'listen and hear' - let him know he is loved... Believe me when you go and visit him at his carehome, he will be your uncle to you once more - and not someone who you are having to care for 24/7 - it is the most loveliest feeling I know that I can now visit my mum as my 'mum' and not visiting her to care, change, clean and feed her - and that to me is worth it's weight in gold.

 

I have made arrangements in advance for my care to be taken over when the time comes that I am no longer capable of making such decisions ( a few of you may think that is now, but you can bugger off!  )... I am not leaving it to my nephew and my other family to let them make a difficult decision that sadly, some of a generation refuse to accept and understand... I understand this illness alright and what it can do - and will do.

 

You have my sympathy buddy - I honestly know the emotions that are running through your head right now... You'll have my love and support for as long as you need it and I can give it mate.

 

Love Daryl xx

Huge respect to you Daryl.

Always in my thoughts are you and your family.

Thankyou for your warm words.

 

Jay xx