F**king Banks!
Started by khards, Jan 06 2006 06:00 PM
21 replies to this topic
#1
Posted 06 January 2006 - 06:00 PM
Anyone else pissed off with bank charges ?
This is the first time I have had a problem with HALIFAX, hear is the problem:
I have £100 overdraft, On 3rd January my account was -70.24 Because my fees were late due to the holidays. On 3rd January a direct debit for £30 is supposed to come out.
Halifax returned the direct debit ecause it would have taken me 24p over my overdraft!!
This has resulted in a £20 fine from EGG and Halifax have has the cheek to try and charge me £39.00 !!!
My advise to you is do not use halifax.
I am now going to close the account and transfer over to my LLoyds account (who do not charge for unpaid direct debits + have a buffer zome of £15 over the o.d limit)
I was also sent a new bank card today which dosent work! Complaining gets you know where, you are referred to a phone number. Why dont they just close there branches and go internet only ? they are a useless bunch of c***s !
Anyone have similar problems?
This is the first time I have had a problem with HALIFAX, hear is the problem:
I have £100 overdraft, On 3rd January my account was -70.24 Because my fees were late due to the holidays. On 3rd January a direct debit for £30 is supposed to come out.
Halifax returned the direct debit ecause it would have taken me 24p over my overdraft!!
This has resulted in a £20 fine from EGG and Halifax have has the cheek to try and charge me £39.00 !!!
My advise to you is do not use halifax.
I am now going to close the account and transfer over to my LLoyds account (who do not charge for unpaid direct debits + have a buffer zome of £15 over the o.d limit)
I was also sent a new bank card today which dosent work! Complaining gets you know where, you are referred to a phone number. Why dont they just close there branches and go internet only ? they are a useless bunch of c***s !
Anyone have similar problems?
#2
Posted 06 January 2006 - 06:22 PM
yeah most big banks should have a small buffer zone when you go over your overdraft although my lloyds tsb account is only a fiver and not 15.
baz
baz
#3
Posted 06 January 2006 - 06:25 PM
mate u dont wanna know about me and halifax,i cant stand em,all started of cos i had a cheque returned to me cos of money not being in cos of a direct debit,so i asked for a overdraft but was told i had to wait for x amount of months and not go overdrawn,anyways as sh#t happens i went overdrawn cos of direct debit and had a charge for unauthorised overdraw,which is is awsome since the wouldnt give me a overdraft but would gladly charge me for 1,and it happend to me a few times over 2 yrs i was with em,and this also happened to my sister,so in short i told em where to put there account and went to natwest who gladly gave me a overdraft and visa after only banking with them for a few months
in my opinion halifax are 1 of the worst banks on the high street,and would steer clear from em
and this must have been my longest post in history
in my opinion halifax are 1 of the worst banks on the high street,and would steer clear from em
and this must have been my longest post in history
if it dont pay smash it
#4
Posted 06 January 2006 - 06:29 PM
Think it probably depends on a number of factors. I couldn't be arsed to check my statement around November time, and my bank had allowed through 5 different items, the first of which took me over my overdraft, the last one taking me £350 over in total. They then tried to charge me £25 for it, which wasn't too bad at all considering, and I phoned them up and got it cancelled. Not been overdrawn for years and have a 2k overdraft, guess it depends on a few things as to whether they choose to haul you over the coals or not. Then again, halifax might just be c**nts, no idea. Alyways helps to ask them to reverse the charge. a phone call won't cost much.
#5
Posted 06 January 2006 - 07:47 PM
My bank the Clydesdale is piss poor. I like to pay my debts over the counter with cash rather than Direct Debit because I like to vary my credit payments from month to month. Unfortunately they are only open from 9.45 to 4.30pm usually and I work from 9-5. They don't open on a Saturday and over Christmas-New Year they didn't open at all, despite their cash machines running out of money. I managed to find time on Wednesday to go down during my lunch break and pay. Hopefully it will have cleared by Monday. Last month it took them 7 days to clear and I was charged £40 for late payment by my credit card company. When I complained they blamed it on the computers going down....and refused to pay the £40 I was charged....Gits!!!!
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. </span></span>
#6
Posted 06 January 2006 - 07:56 PM
Think it probably depends on a number of factors. I couldn't be arsed to check my statement around November time, and my bank had allowed through 5 different items, the first of which took me over my overdraft, the last one taking me £350 over in total. They then tried to charge me £25 for it, which wasn't too bad at all considering, and I phoned them up and got it cancelled. Not been overdrawn for years and have a 2k overdraft, guess it depends on a few things as to whether they choose to haul you over the coals or not. Then again, halifax might just be c**nts, no idea. Alyways helps to ask them to reverse the charge. a phone call won't cost much.
I agree with the forst post, They are all a bunch of robbing no good Tossers who could not care less if you went over... I bank with First direct (dont touch them), Alliance & leicester (even worse) and Barclays (Worst of the lot)
Buffer zones should be there on all accounts, we all go a few pence over from time to time, but xmas holidays and bank holidays, they got you by the balls.
G
---------------------------------------------------
"Yippee Ki Ya Kimasabi"..
#7
Posted 06 January 2006 - 09:07 PM
I hate the man from the advert with the big glasses and who sings that silly song.
"extra, extra" that one.
Jimbob
"extra, extra" that one.
Jimbob
#8
Posted 06 January 2006 - 09:33 PM
I went into my branch of the Halifax with no ID, no wallet - nothing. Walked out 20 minutes later with a Debit/Cheque Guarentee card, and a Halifax One card (one of those 12 months 0% on balance transfer ones).***
I know I held an account with them, but surely me knowing my sort code / account number shouldn't be adequate?
I also have a £100 overdraft, which I think I only went £95 into over Christmas, which isn't too bad. Got paid yesterday so from now on it is sensible spending time to make sure I don't use my overdraft unless it is an emergency
*** I didn't walk out with the card, but was accepted for both cards over the phone and the cards arrived shortly after.
I know I held an account with them, but surely me knowing my sort code / account number shouldn't be adequate?
I also have a £100 overdraft, which I think I only went £95 into over Christmas, which isn't too bad. Got paid yesterday so from now on it is sensible spending time to make sure I don't use my overdraft unless it is an emergency
*** I didn't walk out with the card, but was accepted for both cards over the phone and the cards arrived shortly after.
Ben
Hopefully recovering from years of compulsive gambling and wanting to be gamble free forever.
Recommended reading - http://www.gamblersaloud.com/ (yes, I bought the book, very happy with it!)
Hopefully recovering from years of compulsive gambling and wanting to be gamble free forever.
Recommended reading - http://www.gamblersaloud.com/ (yes, I bought the book, very happy with it!)
#9
Posted 06 January 2006 - 09:55 PM
Halifax are great. They take action first and ask questions later....
About 15 years ago, I had a standard current account. It was free and my wages was paid into that account on a monthly basis. Back then in 1991, it worked out about a grand a month.
It was a week before payday and I had less than a tenner in the account. You know what it's like at the end of the month ect... Anyway, Halifax decided to scrap this standard current account thing and replace it with a new account called 'Maxim'. The thing is, the Maxim account required the customer to have a bare minimum of £50 in the account or it is closed.
Soooo, Payday. I goes to bank. Sticks in my CardCash card and wham! My card taken and a message to call into my local branch as soon as possible. Luckily, the speedbank machine I was using was at my branch. So in I went....
Thats when I found out about the account changes. The staff member I saw told me my standard current account had been closed and changed to a Maxim account as they now only offer free accounts to kids and that. This new Maxim account in turn had less than a tenner in when opened after my balance was transferred and immediately got suspended. Now my wages had been paid in and this money had been paid into an account that was closed. A Friday afternoon on payday and I couldn't get my own money. It took Halifax 6 working days to sort out this mess with no apology to me at all. The bank mentioned they had sent out letters to notify customers about these account changes. I got the letter 5 days after this incident.
I removed my business and that of a good dozen co-workers who witnessed or heard of my experiences with Halifax.
I must say, if Halifax is going to f*** you over with your own money, they will f*** you over just that little bit extra.
About 15 years ago, I had a standard current account. It was free and my wages was paid into that account on a monthly basis. Back then in 1991, it worked out about a grand a month.
It was a week before payday and I had less than a tenner in the account. You know what it's like at the end of the month ect... Anyway, Halifax decided to scrap this standard current account thing and replace it with a new account called 'Maxim'. The thing is, the Maxim account required the customer to have a bare minimum of £50 in the account or it is closed.
Soooo, Payday. I goes to bank. Sticks in my CardCash card and wham! My card taken and a message to call into my local branch as soon as possible. Luckily, the speedbank machine I was using was at my branch. So in I went....
Thats when I found out about the account changes. The staff member I saw told me my standard current account had been closed and changed to a Maxim account as they now only offer free accounts to kids and that. This new Maxim account in turn had less than a tenner in when opened after my balance was transferred and immediately got suspended. Now my wages had been paid in and this money had been paid into an account that was closed. A Friday afternoon on payday and I couldn't get my own money. It took Halifax 6 working days to sort out this mess with no apology to me at all. The bank mentioned they had sent out letters to notify customers about these account changes. I got the letter 5 days after this incident.
I removed my business and that of a good dozen co-workers who witnessed or heard of my experiences with Halifax.
I must say, if Halifax is going to f*** you over with your own money, they will f*** you over just that little bit extra.
#10
Posted 06 January 2006 - 10:04 PM
spot on compost:lol:
Back when i was in my student days i had my account with the Halifax, obviously it had a fair sized overdraft on it and was most often well over the limit.
In my first year I thought they were pretty helpful, i had my cards stolen at one point and the buggers spent about £500 on my account. They very kindly extended my overdraft to cover the extra and sorted out the claim for me so that it was all paid back. Great I thought.
But it was all too good to be true, only a year later and they shafted me royally. In the middle of my second year at uni I headed to the bank to get out my money for the rent on the house I lived in. I had a gone over my overdraft limit by about £10 a few days before but knew my student loan was being paid in the following day. So I thought I would just get a charge but would live with that.
Upon arriving at the machine my cards were also promptly eaten. I went to speak to them in store to be told that because I had gone over my limit (I found out it had been about £7) they had withdrawn my overdraft facility effective immediatly.
I tried talking to them, explaining that the student loan had gone in and that I would accept any charges as the money was essential to allow me to continue living at uni. They refused point blank to listen and wouldn't reinstate the overdraft. The result was my loan went instantly.
Thankfully I was able to open another account with the Natwest and get another overdraft so I was ok within a couple of weeks but I personally couldnt believe how unhelpful the halifax were
Back when i was in my student days i had my account with the Halifax, obviously it had a fair sized overdraft on it and was most often well over the limit.
In my first year I thought they were pretty helpful, i had my cards stolen at one point and the buggers spent about £500 on my account. They very kindly extended my overdraft to cover the extra and sorted out the claim for me so that it was all paid back. Great I thought.
But it was all too good to be true, only a year later and they shafted me royally. In the middle of my second year at uni I headed to the bank to get out my money for the rent on the house I lived in. I had a gone over my overdraft limit by about £10 a few days before but knew my student loan was being paid in the following day. So I thought I would just get a charge but would live with that.
Upon arriving at the machine my cards were also promptly eaten. I went to speak to them in store to be told that because I had gone over my limit (I found out it had been about £7) they had withdrawn my overdraft facility effective immediatly.
I tried talking to them, explaining that the student loan had gone in and that I would accept any charges as the money was essential to allow me to continue living at uni. They refused point blank to listen and wouldn't reinstate the overdraft. The result was my loan went instantly.
Thankfully I was able to open another account with the Natwest and get another overdraft so I was ok within a couple of weeks but I personally couldnt believe how unhelpful the halifax were
#11
Posted 06 January 2006 - 10:25 PM
well halifax have been great to me over the 18 years or so have been with them that was untill recently.... got a letter from then in dec saying they could not pay a dd to my internet company as would take me over my overdraft limit and were going to charge me £25 for this 1 mistake but thought right can live with that as was first time. Then a couple a couple of days later got a letter from them saying they are charging me £30 for going over my overdraft as the afore mentioned dd went out of the acc. Well i thought what fuc***g robbing bastards so got the phone to them to get one of the charges refunded then after having a arguement with someone who said it was not the banks fault and they could do nothing so demanded to speak to a manager who also tried to say it was not halifaxs fault well after a 30 min phone call got charges dropped. so sound like i got a result after reading some of the post
But they have reduced my overdraft now by £100 so may still look round for a new bank acc
Right feel better now a long post and my first one in a while!!!
But they have reduced my overdraft now by £100 so may still look round for a new bank acc
Right feel better now a long post and my first one in a while!!!
Same crap just on a different day!!
#12
Posted 07 January 2006 - 01:45 PM
I worked for LloydsTSB for 18 years until last year and its all about profit and sales. They dont give a toss about problems customers have UNLESS you complain so much that it escalates to the Banking Ombundsman, then they fix it immediately.
There are a few staff around that actually are sincere and care genuinely about their customers but 95% dont give a f*** and will sell you anything they get points(commission) on. (The sales force get a grilling every morning, noon and afternoon about how many sales they have made)
Im glad to be out this industry I can tell you.
There are a few staff around that actually are sincere and care genuinely about their customers but 95% dont give a f*** and will sell you anything they get points(commission) on. (The sales force get a grilling every morning, noon and afternoon about how many sales they have made)
Im glad to be out this industry I can tell you.
#13
Posted 07 January 2006 - 03:30 PM
I got into all kinds of financial difficulties a year or so back due to a period of unemployment (thankful I kicked my gambling habit years before lol otherwise it would have been worse)
I was with natwest and a large direct debit went out of my account and took me about £4 over my agreed overdraft limit, charged £35. Some money I had transfered in by bacs from an online savings account didn't reach it soon enough, although with it all happening over a weekend I couldn't really do anything about it. Unfortunately the day after 2 small dd's also went one for £2 and one for £5 charged £70 and the day after another two for about £20, charged £35 a time again.
Suddenly I had still to pay the dd's along with first having to clear the £170 of charges in one weekend. The bacs been in unecessary limbo for 3 days ment the first charge caused a chain reaction and cost me a fortune.
I went into the branch and complained and said it wrong to be charged £35 a time for dd's of around £2-£5 and pointed out if they hadn't charged me the first time the others wouldn't have bounced. They wouldn't refund the charges and when I tried to get some help to stop my account hemorriging cash they said they couldn't do anything until it started spiralling out of control, ie when I had been charged another 500-1000 quid.
I was so angry I went above their heads and contacted their main lending department over the phone and they refunded the charges and helped me sort out my arrears. They told me not to bother with the branch staff and just to contact them directly.
Anyway a few months later I managed to get a great well paid job at the other end of the country but needed financial help moving. Basically enough for a bond and a months rent on a cheap bedsit until my wages started coming in. I got confirmation of the job start date and salary details and they refused lending me £500 for a couple of months to move. I had to quit the job.
The first thing I did on finding a local job again was to tell natwest where to stick their accounts and moved bank.
My tips for anyone who gets into difficultly with their account and wants to save money by avoiding charges read these lessons learnt the hard expensive way
1. If you get into long term trouble immediately go into your bank and cancel all you direct debits. If they are cancelled they can't make you go overdrawn.
2. Generally avoid direct debits all the time, do not get them all going out on the same day. I used to get paid monthly so they all went out on the first of the month, very hard to cover them all at once. Banks make obscene amounts of money from direct debit failure charges.
3. Make sure you prioritse your dd's if you can't cover them all, make sure the double charge ones are paid first, ie payments to credit card companies where you get charged both ends. If you know your going to fail to meet the payment tell them in advance before it goes out, as they'll maybe deferr it a bit and this might save you getting charged.
4. Don't be afraid to complain and question charges. 5 minutes time spent arguing your case with staff can sometimes get them reversed. Don't forget its you as a customer who pays their wages.
5. If your fed up with your bank don't be afraid to move. If you went to a resturant and the food was bad would you keep going back?
I was with natwest and a large direct debit went out of my account and took me about £4 over my agreed overdraft limit, charged £35. Some money I had transfered in by bacs from an online savings account didn't reach it soon enough, although with it all happening over a weekend I couldn't really do anything about it. Unfortunately the day after 2 small dd's also went one for £2 and one for £5 charged £70 and the day after another two for about £20, charged £35 a time again.
Suddenly I had still to pay the dd's along with first having to clear the £170 of charges in one weekend. The bacs been in unecessary limbo for 3 days ment the first charge caused a chain reaction and cost me a fortune.
I went into the branch and complained and said it wrong to be charged £35 a time for dd's of around £2-£5 and pointed out if they hadn't charged me the first time the others wouldn't have bounced. They wouldn't refund the charges and when I tried to get some help to stop my account hemorriging cash they said they couldn't do anything until it started spiralling out of control, ie when I had been charged another 500-1000 quid.
I was so angry I went above their heads and contacted their main lending department over the phone and they refunded the charges and helped me sort out my arrears. They told me not to bother with the branch staff and just to contact them directly.
Anyway a few months later I managed to get a great well paid job at the other end of the country but needed financial help moving. Basically enough for a bond and a months rent on a cheap bedsit until my wages started coming in. I got confirmation of the job start date and salary details and they refused lending me £500 for a couple of months to move. I had to quit the job.
The first thing I did on finding a local job again was to tell natwest where to stick their accounts and moved bank.
My tips for anyone who gets into difficultly with their account and wants to save money by avoiding charges read these lessons learnt the hard expensive way
1. If you get into long term trouble immediately go into your bank and cancel all you direct debits. If they are cancelled they can't make you go overdrawn.
2. Generally avoid direct debits all the time, do not get them all going out on the same day. I used to get paid monthly so they all went out on the first of the month, very hard to cover them all at once. Banks make obscene amounts of money from direct debit failure charges.
3. Make sure you prioritse your dd's if you can't cover them all, make sure the double charge ones are paid first, ie payments to credit card companies where you get charged both ends. If you know your going to fail to meet the payment tell them in advance before it goes out, as they'll maybe deferr it a bit and this might save you getting charged.
4. Don't be afraid to complain and question charges. 5 minutes time spent arguing your case with staff can sometimes get them reversed. Don't forget its you as a customer who pays their wages.
5. If your fed up with your bank don't be afraid to move. If you went to a resturant and the food was bad would you keep going back?
#14
Posted 07 January 2006 - 03:53 PM
tell me abpout them ffs i was in overdraft then i paid that all off then when i went to chack my bank im in overdraft again of 20?
Women are #@#@#@#s....
#15
Posted 08 January 2006 - 09:07 PM
I will help you guys in a couple weeks time, make sure you check back here
#16
Posted 09 January 2006 - 01:41 PM
I have experience of what nafanny29 was saying about LloydsTSB only caring about sales. When I was at college I had to take out a bank loan to do repairs on my car, as I was working as a delivery driver in the evenings to make ends meet, and also pay of the credit card debts I had after my W@*ker flatmate shafted me for my deposit, and loads of bills. Anyway the manager who gave me the loan asked me if I wanted insurance on the loan, I said will this cover me if my car breaks down again, and he told me it would. Now 6 months into a three year loan, the shop I worked for closed down, and I tried to claim on the insurance, and was told that to make a claim, you have to be registered with the jobcentre! What this efectively meant was he had sold me an insurance policy that there was no way whatsoever I could claim on, as I was a student! C**t!
#17
Posted 09 January 2006 - 05:06 PM
[YOUR NAME]
[YOUR ADDRESS]
[DATE]
[BANK’S NAME]
[BANK’S HEAD OFFICE ADDRESS]
Dear Sir/Madam
Penalty & unfair charges – request for refund for [YOUR NAME, SORT CODE, and ACCOUNT NUMBER]
[INSERT DETAILS of how charges were applied i.e. how much was charged, how much over agreed overdraft or credit limit and how long did you exceed limit for etc.,]
I am of the view that your charges represent a penalty and are therefore irrecoverable at common law. In the Scottish case of Castaneda and Others v. Clydebank Engineering and Shipbuilding Co., Ltd. (1904) 12 SLT 498 the House of Lords held that a contractual party can only recover damages for actual or liquidated losses incurred from a breach of contract. This is also the position in English law: Dunlop Pneumatic Tyre Co Ltd v New Garage and Motor Co Ltd [1915] AC 79. Your charges do not reflect any actual or real loss, instead they appear to represent a lucrative profit-making scheme.
On a separate note, your charges appear to represent an unfair term of contract which is contrary to the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations 1999 (SI. 1999/2083). My account falls within the ambit of Regulation 5 of the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations 1999 as I am a consumer. Your charges constitute an unfair penalty under reference to paragraph 1(e) of schedule 2 of the said regulations:
‘Indicative and non-exhaustive list of terms which may be regarded as unfair - 1. Terms which have the object of effect of - (e) requiring any consumer who fails his obligation to pay a disproportionately high sum in compensation’.
0n 26 July 2005 the OFT stated that 'a charge is likely to be disproportionately high if it is more than a court would be likely to award if the lender sued the cardholder for breach of contract'. Because your charges include a lucrative profit margin, in addition to actual loss, they are irrecoverable as an unfair term in contract.
I believe that your charges require me to pay a disproportionately high sum in compensation for being overdrawn without mutual agreement.
Please refund these charges to my account within the next 7 days, or I will commence court proceedings without any further notice.
Yours faithfully
[SIGNATURE]
[YOUR ADDRESS]
[DATE]
[BANK’S NAME]
[BANK’S HEAD OFFICE ADDRESS]
Dear Sir/Madam
Penalty & unfair charges – request for refund for [YOUR NAME, SORT CODE, and ACCOUNT NUMBER]
[INSERT DETAILS of how charges were applied i.e. how much was charged, how much over agreed overdraft or credit limit and how long did you exceed limit for etc.,]
I am of the view that your charges represent a penalty and are therefore irrecoverable at common law. In the Scottish case of Castaneda and Others v. Clydebank Engineering and Shipbuilding Co., Ltd. (1904) 12 SLT 498 the House of Lords held that a contractual party can only recover damages for actual or liquidated losses incurred from a breach of contract. This is also the position in English law: Dunlop Pneumatic Tyre Co Ltd v New Garage and Motor Co Ltd [1915] AC 79. Your charges do not reflect any actual or real loss, instead they appear to represent a lucrative profit-making scheme.
On a separate note, your charges appear to represent an unfair term of contract which is contrary to the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations 1999 (SI. 1999/2083). My account falls within the ambit of Regulation 5 of the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations 1999 as I am a consumer. Your charges constitute an unfair penalty under reference to paragraph 1(e) of schedule 2 of the said regulations:
‘Indicative and non-exhaustive list of terms which may be regarded as unfair - 1. Terms which have the object of effect of - (e) requiring any consumer who fails his obligation to pay a disproportionately high sum in compensation’.
0n 26 July 2005 the OFT stated that 'a charge is likely to be disproportionately high if it is more than a court would be likely to award if the lender sued the cardholder for breach of contract'. Because your charges include a lucrative profit margin, in addition to actual loss, they are irrecoverable as an unfair term in contract.
I believe that your charges require me to pay a disproportionately high sum in compensation for being overdrawn without mutual agreement.
Please refund these charges to my account within the next 7 days, or I will commence court proceedings without any further notice.
Yours faithfully
[SIGNATURE]
#18
Posted 09 January 2006 - 07:45 PM
Like it Smoothielad...lol. Saved onto hard drive for future use. That'll piss 'em off at the Clydesdale.
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. </span></span>
#19
Posted 09 January 2006 - 08:18 PM
really don't know why you all knock banks guys...............seem OK to me.....
They always hold the door open....as I leave!
They always hold the door open....as I leave!
#20
Posted 10 January 2006 - 12:51 PM
Saw this on Yahoo Office attachments...
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £40 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I
Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Customer,
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £40 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I
Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Customer,
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