124 replies to this topic

[Pgamblin]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f**king widow."

[Pgamblin]

Chav Nativity

Some of you may not quite understand this but if you do, it's funny none the less....

There's this bird called Mary, yeah?

She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's
got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives
with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't
no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right' Mary an' Joe ain't
got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on
that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee
an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?

So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled
wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
wise men from the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv
this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and
Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an'
sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The
police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash
off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn
Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an'
it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
into Stella.

[Pgamblin]

Ok i'm bored of that.

Whats an mpu5 emulator anyway ?

[RB]

A blonde woman wearing a headset walks into a hairdressers and says she wants her hair dyed brown.
The hairdresser asks her to take off the headphones. The blonde refuses but the hairdresser dyes it anyway.
The blonde falls asleep so the hairdresser takes the headphones off and continues dying her hair again.
Two minutes later he's shocked to find the blonde is dead. The hairdresser puts on the headphones and there's a voice repeating, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."

[Pgamblin]

lmao!

[jamesb99_1999]

I'm a big blonde big titted bird and I find that ufencive!!

nut all us blonde slappers are fick!

[RB]

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. She's gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software'.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams 'A-colon backslash enter insert!'
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind

[RB]

A true sory as told to a south yorkshire motorway cop....


"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

[ady]

class..............total class..............

In fact I don't use one of those freshie things.........a few Lagers has the same result!




-----------------


Only kidding....never D 'N' D

[jamesb99_1999]

A blonde was pulled over by a cop that I know.

He said to her, "can I see your driving license?"
She said, "What's a driving license?"
He patiently said, "A piece of paper that says you are allowed to drive?"
She pulls it out of her bra and hands it over.
He looks at it then continues, "Insurance?"
"What's that?", she asks.
He looks patient still, "A piece of paper that says in an accident the costs are covered"
She pulls it out of her sock.
"OK!", he says and then pulls out his cock.
"Not the breath test again?", she mutters.

[Nudgeman]

There were a group of annoying chavs hanging around outside my house. Really messing around. You know the score, a few lads and a couple of girls. We could hear the screams and the swearing inside with the TV on and the doors shut. Come eleven o'clock it was time for bed, but they were still out there drinking and playing merry hell. In the end I had to go out to them.

I said "Will you please keep the noise down! Some of us want to sleep."

They were having none of it and at first just ignored me then started making threats, pointing at various cars and saying they were going to vandalise them if I didn't **** of out of it. In the end they left me with no choice but to say,

"Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King."


They soon scarpered after I said that and they haven't been back since.

[RB]

They soon scarpered after I said that and they haven't been back since.

Id have Nutted ya and stole your ipod and V3 Razor....

[dtrmad2004]

pod and V3 Razor....

Watch him hes a vodka drinking chav .

Andy

[jay2]

I want it emulated so I can download it put £3 through it and delete it like I do with most layouts.

alth

3 quid?,you would'nt even get on the board ,so download it and THEN delete it .

[Gazeyre1966]

Can you actually put £3 through an emulator Alth.....Duuuuuuh!!!!

[jay2]

Can you actually put £3 through an emulator Alth.....Duuuuuuh!!!!

Press 0 3 times,pretty easy really