Darienne

Well what did you expect, you big bunch of pervs.. lol

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.

A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland , following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!" She replied, "No, but I have!"

Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!

A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!" Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!

The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!

Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

Just had the police at my front door saying that my dog has just attacked someone on a bike.
I said "that's bollock's,my dog doesn't have a bike!"

THE GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN AND SAVED THE DROWNING DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK UP ON THE BRIDGE HE CHECKED THE DOG OUT AND TOLD THE OWNER THAT "ZER DOG IS OK, AND VILL BE FINE"
SHE ASKED IF HE WAS A VET?
HE REPLIED, "VET, I'M F***ING SOAKED!”

A man walks into a Doctors surgery with some cellophane pants on.......doctor says......
I can clearly see your nuts !!!

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her some bathroom scale.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

I came home the other night and my wife was lying naked on the bed.....I asked "what the bloody hell are you doing"
she says "i'm wearing my birthday suit"..........I say "Well you could have fooking ironed it"

A wise man once said.........You should treat your women like your hoover.
Once it stops sucking...............change the fooking bag.......!

Woman goes into a record shop and says , " do you have Jingle Bells on 7 inch " ?
Young lad says , " no but I've got dangly balls on a 9 inch " ! Woman says , " that's not a record is it " ?
Lad says , " its not fookin bad for a 16 yr old " !

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do... then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30

I got a new step ladder the other day, Ive never met my real one

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair................. virgin mobile

What a shame - number 66 didn't make it to the Xmas number 1

OFFICIAL UK SINGLES TOP 100 - 25th December 2010

Dublin Tram Crash Wednesday, 24 February, 2010, at 9:14

This is the collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram




Now have a look at the ad on the side of the bus that the Tram went into.




You couldn’t make it up could you?